Day 1, Come and See

There wasn't going to be a "good time" to do this, so as the family was just settling in I asked them all to sit to the table.

Jayson: what do you have now

Addy: why

Ashton: too busy trying on his new riding boots

Jos: rolling eyes

I started by opening with how I had learned about the book 21 Days Closer to Christ, at Time out for Women.  I stated that after I had "done" 4 days, I felt our family could benefit in the challenge during November before Ashton is baptized on Dec. 1

They all listened, kinda

No one seemed too happy

The challenge is to simple:  open your hearts to hear the spirit.  If you are willing to let him in, he is waiting to hear from you and help you with your challenge. Determine what fills your net.  Are everyday challenges or fears holding you back from developing a relationship with Christ? Try and listen for the quiet invitations from the Lord to come and see.

Ashton called everyone to family prayer, I prayed.

one year later

In October of last year, I was "sold."  The company I had been working for (EMG), for 5.5 years sold my property to another owner.  I was bought out by a new management company. It was awful!!!!
First of all, I had been thinking about leaving property management for about 6 months. I had promised to stay with EMG through the sale.  At the time, I didn't really have any options, and we could not afford for me to just quit my job.
Jayson was completely aware of my sadness/attitude.  I needed something new.  I needed fresh.  I needed a new start.
I stayed at Riverwalk, as property manager with the new company for 2 months, when I knew I had an answer to my prayers.  I had been talking with Chad Mangum for over a year about working for his company Access Home Care and Hospice.  He gave me a call to let me know of a position that was available, and could compare with my current pay.
I was NOT afraid to leave Riverwalk, as a company, but I had a really hard time leaving my residents. I knew that my children and my marriage needed this change as well.
In January I handed my keys over to Riverwalk, and said good bye.  The VERY next day I started my new job as Office Manager with Access Home Medical.  I knew the day I started I had made the right choice.

Since that day, things haven't stopped changing.  I feel that I have grown and experienced more in this past year than ever before.

It started with my weight loss journey.  Everyone at Access is a health nut :) (bless them).  It encouraged me to start drinking water, no soda, and eating healthy.

Joslynn struggled to graduate, and did...barely.  We sent her off to Colorado for a summer job. (worst idea ever!!!!)  She has changed.  A LOT. She is 18 now, trying to figure out who she is. As of today (11/5) we are "speaking" but not the best of friends.  Her mother and her became very close while she was in Colorado.  her mom is "cool."  Christy is fine with no church attendance, drinking, swearing, ect... She can talk with her mom like a bestie.  I enforce rules, I expect thing, and "as long as you live under my roof, you will obey my rules."  Last week was the best since she came home in Sept.  She got a full time job, and we sat and talked about rules in a "non-threatening" situation.  She attended the singles ward yesterday - so I have to take each thing as a small step.

Addy turned 12, started middle school, and became an instant social maniac!  She is texting constantly, and BOY CRAZY.  I love her social attitude.  She was SUPER mad at her self for getting and A-, thus resulting in a 3.975 for 1st term.  She wants to be so many things, and do well at them.  She kinda (thats being nice) a control freak, and bossy.  hmm, wonder where from?  I actually worry about it.  I know what it did to me.  It made life (and still does) hard. She has a hard time just letting things roll off her shoulder.

Its hard to have a student (jos) who is content with a D-, and then one (addy) thats mad when it's an A-.  Jayson and I talked about giving Addy kuddos without hurting Joslynns feelings.  We made sure to let Addy know just how proud of her we were, but I wanted to jump up and down.  Addy talks about the job she will have in High School, along with her AP classes, and then scholarships so that she can become a surgeon.  Jos is 18, graduated for 6 months, and just getting a full time job with no hopes, dreams or goals except to live every day.  These two girls could not be any more opposite!

Today, Ashton turned 8, and I cried. A LOT.  He is my baby.  I thought we would have more. He is the light in my day.  He has this personality that you can't just not love! I don't want to make him sound like my favorite....but he is my favorite son :)

Jayson and I have done better in this last year than ever!  We are going somewhere.  I still get super emotional when I think of all the times we have almost called it quits, and then to see where we are now.  With so many things changing over the past year, he has been my rock.

I decided to leave Access Medical and re-join the EMG team as an apartment manager at a brand new complex in Brigham City.  This again, was a very hard decision for me, but I know it is the right one.  I have room for advancement and growth.  I love managing, and can not wait for the property to open in January.

As of September, I am 35 lbs lighter, and happy.  I am working out with some of the greatest people, and feel very blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing support group.

I am a facebooker, and it's normal to see people posting things they are grateful in the month of November.  I have chosen to read 21 days closer to Christ, and work on my daily and long term and happiness.  I started Nov.1, but have decided to do this as a family and will be "starting over" with them tonight.

After a visit with Jayson, myself and the bishop yesterday - I will, for the next 21 days be blogging about this experience.  At the end of 21 days, I will post about the difference I have seen within my family.  I hope you enjoy this journey with us.

Someones got a new baby

Jayson is FINALLY getting our very first second vehicle.  Yep, married 12 years with one car.  

I thought I would be better....

For some time I blogged weekly, then monthly, and now It has been 5 months.  I admit, I've written posts, then deleted.  It seemed that I was just venting, not writing things I would want to look back on and be proud of myself.  Then I told myself, it is who I am, It is what life is right now.

Re-Cap:

March:  Jayson and I celebrated 12 years of marriage.  I can't tell you how many people never thought we would make it to one.  Every marriage has up's and down's and we have had our share of them. Having an ex wife try to disturb the forces is never good, having a step-daughter adds tension and hard decisions, and not always agreeing on religious choices. Last year I thought we would have been going through the temple to mark 12 years - didn't happen.  Jayson is still going to church, every week with us.  He doesn't stay for all three meetings, but he does come.  Right now I would be VERY happy if he could baptize Ashton in November. We are still working on the goal, and I am not ready to go without him.  It's been 12 years...I can wait another year. People ask me this question all the time, and honestly I want to tell them to go to hell.  It's such a tender subject for me.  I get VERY emotional thinking about.  Not sure if it's becauseI know I should go without him now or wait - and NO, I don't want anyones opinion on that!

April: I can't honestly remember anything important about April.  Soccer was in full swing, Ashton was loving it.  I went to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving point with my Aunt Judy and cousins Margo and Jill.

May: BUSY!!! We went on a last minute getaway to St. George for Jaysons sister Debbies graduation.  We are so very proud of her!  She has been a busy mother of 6, going to school and working full time for YEARS, and is FINALLY done!  We enjoyed the sun and hiking through Zion.  The kids were happy to spend time at the pool relaxing and playing with cousins.  I put on a bridal shower for my cute niece Kayla.  Addy participated in the Stake Musical and loved every minute of it.  We made the decision to send Joslynn to Colorado for the summer working at a dude ranch.  She did not like this idea.  I felt it was needed (more on that later).  She graduated from High School - HUGE RELIEF - on a Thursday, helped Debbie set up for the wedding on Friday, wedding Saturday and put Joslynn on a plane Colorado bound Sunday morning at 7am. Not sure I even took a breath of air for an additional week.  She didn't want to talk to me.  She was mad at me, and thought we were punishing her.

June: School was out, and the headache of being a working mother with two kids set in.  Addy and Ashton did pretty well at home together all things considering.Only 5 phone calls per day is normal, right?  Addy started babysitting her cousin Katelyn 2-3x per week. I signed up for a testimonial program with ICON fitness. I started working out 3x per week at 7am, heading straight to work to shower, and sitting at my desk at 830am. whew!  Jalane offered to take my kids to Lagoon with her if I bought them season passes, what a HUGE HELP!  They love Lagoon!  Did the dinner and breakfast for Stake Girls camp again - had SO MUCH FUN! (Addy was invited to camp this year).  I used a committee of 4 women this year instead of trying to do it on my own.  We had a Royal Feast, and the girls and leaders loved it!  My friend Deb's son Kenton was diagnosed with Leukemia, and I became very involved with fundraising efforts to help out.

July: Ashton was able to attend Adventure Club every day at the school - what a relief!  He and Addy were starting NOT to get along.  My brother was sweet enough to take him on days I worked out, after he dropped Katelyn off to Addy.  Turned 32, got a bike from Jayson. Month 2 of working out. Kentons Bake Sale/Yard Sale, HUGE success!!!Joslynn only talking to us maybe weekly. Niel Diamond with Jayson (so much fun).

August: The kids both went to Sports Academy Summer Camp for a week, loved every minute of every day.  Joslynn turned 18, in Colorado, still not happy. We had Kentons carnival, another success. (next up, Kentons Cup and Concert).  Registered Addy for MIDDLE school, cried.

Present:
Tonight, we are purchasing "something."  Something BIG - this will require a different post.
Ashton has back to school night tonight and is super excited to be in Mrs. Pattersons class.  Addy had her also, and we loved her.  Addy has back to school night tomorrow, and wants to practice locker opening a little longer.  Friday night we have the annual CVE camp out up Blacksmith Fork.  Saturday, while the kids are on a ATV ride, I will be attending Wicked!!! :)  YEA!!!   Second time, thanks to WONDERFUL family!  Next Friday, we have Brigham City Temple open house tickets.  All of Jaysons family is coming, and then we are spending the remaining weekend at my bosses cabin in Bear Lake.  Joslynn will be home Thursday of next week. she's done. were not talking.

Joslynn and her mother have become very close over the summer.  I could say a lot of very mean things, but am TRYING very hard to be the better person and keep those thoughts to myself.  Last week Joslynn told her Dad she was coming home and going to live with her mother. I can't tell you what the plan is right now - remember, she and I are not talking.  Basically, she thinks she is all grown up and wants to make her own choices.  She also told me she wants nothing to do with the church.  She is 18, she has to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences. She is coming "home" to us on Thursday night.  We will be with family the entire weekend.  Nick is joining us.  They plan on getting married. I have NO IDEA what will happen after the weekend. I am scared, hurt, and very sad.  Joslynn has been part of my life since she was 4.  I know she is not "leaving" my life, but things are very distant right now.  I am angry - and I deserve to be angry!  Her mother has been in and out of her life when it worked for her.  She wants to be best friends now.  She IS her mother, I should be happy they are getting along. What hurts more than anything - all the wonderful things Christy has said about me over the years - while I raised HER daughter, with NO financial support! ( oh, wait - she did pay for her portion of the braces).  Christy is nice to my face, and a beast behind my back.  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I was raised to be above this, I will not let this kick me to the ground.  I have dealt with this for 14 years...and I can deal till the end of time.

On a much BETTER note.....new job, workout, better eating ....and THIRTY POUNDS LIGHTER! I feel better, confident, healthy, in control.  It's something I have never been before.  I did HCG a few years ago, dropped 20 lbs, gained it +10 back.  Didn't LEARN to eat right, portion control, diet and exercise.  We had weigh in last week, and I have lost 7.5 total " since June 1.  LOVING IT!

The past 6 months have felt like the hardest 6 months EVER. Changes in job, family, friendships, kids, financial, weight and religion.  I feel like these things should make everything "better."
Some days I don't think I can't go another. Some days I feel straight up crazy and wonder how we ALL make it? I have some amazing people in my life - they lift me up, encourage me, and keep me strong! I keep reminding myself just how lucky I am. 
Jayson has stood by me through all of this.  He encourages me and loves me unconditionally.  I am closer with him than before. He has become my best friend. We weren't always that.  We were married for a long time, just married. I don't know how to explain that.  I had to distance myself from people.  I had to quit talking about what was wrong with us.  I had to learn that we were in this together, and I needed to use his strength to make me stronger.  We are opposites - but he completes me.  His is my other half, the half that makes me whole.
It's been 5.5 years since I lost my mom - and miss her everyday.  Blessed to have my Dad so close, and be able to visit with him daily. Andrew and Marni living just a mile down the road, and our visitation with Chloe (it's a family joke).  I wish my sis Jennifer lived closer - maybe one day.
I feel blessed every day to be who I am, where I am.  I try to find the good in my day and focus on that.  Things are still crazy.  Im scared for the future of ALL THREE of my children, Im scared for my own future.  I believe with all my heart that having faith and doing what I have been asked to do will guide me in the right direction.  I have faith that my choices will not always have sudden results, but with patience and understanding all things will work out.  Each day is a learning lesson - I just have to find the lessson.

ta-da

I felt I was doing really good and at least posting monthly...but somewhere in time, I forgot about my little blog. heavens forbid.

I ran into a friend today who asked how the apartment industry was doing, and realized not everyone knows I left Riverwalk. It's amazing that I think If I put it on facebook, the entire world knows everything.

So, just to be clear...my last day at Riverwalk Apartments was January 17, 2012. I am currently working as an Administrative Assistant/Medical Office Manager at Access Home Care and Hospice/Home Medical. It is an AMAZING job, and I am so lucky to be working with such great people. I am not used to having people in my office. My boss is a health nut - and everyone else in the office is always on a diet - so - I've been drinking more water, eating healthier (eating before 6pm), and have lost 10 lbs since I started! I'm still 20lbs above where I need to be, but slowly and steady I will loose this damn weight.

I feel the only time I get on here is when the kids and hubby are a sleep, and I can't. Most of the time that also results in a lot of tears. I think too much :/ And then I wonder if the only thing I ever write about is what a ball-baby I am.

The obvious: I'm a little emotionally unstable

The fact: I'm baking again (quit for a bit, life got rough)

The truth: I suck as a parent

The wish: I could take some things (words) back

I have missed my mom an incredible amount lately, and I am positive it has something to do with struggling with a teenage daughter. I go through ups and downs missing her, wishing I could just talk to her. The other night I cried, for a very long time, for no other reason than wanting to talk to my mother. I was sitting on the steps in the garage, with the door open, listening to the wind. As I cried with my head down I wondered how I was ever going to manage the rest of my mortal life without her. The phrase "I would give anything for just one more day," comes to mind more often than not.

Since I haven't been writing here, I am going to update a few random/funny/serious/mater-o-fact facts...
1. My big brother had a beautiful baby girl, Katelyn on February 24th. We got to babysit her tonight for the first time. Andrew and Marni are living just down the road from us. Two weeks before Katelyn was born they were asked to leave there home at Hardware Ranch because of water contamination. They are unsure when they will be able to go back, but I am enjoying them living so close to us for now.
2. My little sis finally got a job at Sherwood Hills. Lucky for us, we get Chloe while she is at work, and love every minute of it! Chloe is now 8 months old, and starting to crawl. Ashton asks me if she can be his sister and not his cousin because he loves her so much. My friend Jalane helps out babysitting when Buff has to go into work before I'm off. Her little girl Taya LOVES Chloe. I feel so very blessed to have such great friends that can help out.
3. Joslynn also got a job. She is cleaning a law office in Logan 15 hrs a week. She is excited to be working, and now has great ambition to find another job with more hours during the day. Graduation is at the end of May, and as of now, she doesn't have plans for after HS
4. Addy got two fish for Christmas, and we had to flush poor Bugsy tonight. He/She has been acting strange for a little bit, and finally passed away :( Addy seemed to deal with the flushing quite well.
5. Ashtons bearded dragon is still very much alive, and I still very much do not like him.
6. I was asked to cook for Stake YW camp again this year. I feel a little more prepared, and am excited to do it.
7. We have tickets to attend the Saturday morning LDS General Conference session, and I am actually looking forward to it. Jayson is too, which makes it even better
8. Jaysons mom is doing exceptionally well. We are thankful for every day that we have with her!
9. Jaysons sister Tonja however is not doing so well. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She is 22 weeks pregnant, and leaking amniotic fluid. All they can do right now is keep her on bed rest, and try to keep the baby in her for as long as possible. Debbie flew out today to stay two weeks and help out with the boys while her doctors try to figure out what to do next. For now, they are keeping her in the hospital. They don't even want her getting up to use the bathroom. All we can do is pray, that our father in heaven knows what is best for Tonja and the baby and have faith that things will turn out the way they need to.

I feel that I have more...but my eyes are heavy tonight. Maybe I should just be better at updating when things happen