Day 1, Come and See

There wasn't going to be a "good time" to do this, so as the family was just settling in I asked them all to sit to the table.

Jayson: what do you have now

Addy: why

Ashton: too busy trying on his new riding boots

Jos: rolling eyes

I started by opening with how I had learned about the book 21 Days Closer to Christ, at Time out for Women.  I stated that after I had "done" 4 days, I felt our family could benefit in the challenge during November before Ashton is baptized on Dec. 1

They all listened, kinda

No one seemed too happy

The challenge is to simple:  open your hearts to hear the spirit.  If you are willing to let him in, he is waiting to hear from you and help you with your challenge. Determine what fills your net.  Are everyday challenges or fears holding you back from developing a relationship with Christ? Try and listen for the quiet invitations from the Lord to come and see.

Ashton called everyone to family prayer, I prayed.

one year later

In October of last year, I was "sold."  The company I had been working for (EMG), for 5.5 years sold my property to another owner.  I was bought out by a new management company. It was awful!!!!
First of all, I had been thinking about leaving property management for about 6 months. I had promised to stay with EMG through the sale.  At the time, I didn't really have any options, and we could not afford for me to just quit my job.
Jayson was completely aware of my sadness/attitude.  I needed something new.  I needed fresh.  I needed a new start.
I stayed at Riverwalk, as property manager with the new company for 2 months, when I knew I had an answer to my prayers.  I had been talking with Chad Mangum for over a year about working for his company Access Home Care and Hospice.  He gave me a call to let me know of a position that was available, and could compare with my current pay.
I was NOT afraid to leave Riverwalk, as a company, but I had a really hard time leaving my residents. I knew that my children and my marriage needed this change as well.
In January I handed my keys over to Riverwalk, and said good bye.  The VERY next day I started my new job as Office Manager with Access Home Medical.  I knew the day I started I had made the right choice.

Since that day, things haven't stopped changing.  I feel that I have grown and experienced more in this past year than ever before.

It started with my weight loss journey.  Everyone at Access is a health nut :) (bless them).  It encouraged me to start drinking water, no soda, and eating healthy.

Joslynn struggled to graduate, and did...barely.  We sent her off to Colorado for a summer job. (worst idea ever!!!!)  She has changed.  A LOT. She is 18 now, trying to figure out who she is. As of today (11/5) we are "speaking" but not the best of friends.  Her mother and her became very close while she was in Colorado.  her mom is "cool."  Christy is fine with no church attendance, drinking, swearing, ect... She can talk with her mom like a bestie.  I enforce rules, I expect thing, and "as long as you live under my roof, you will obey my rules."  Last week was the best since she came home in Sept.  She got a full time job, and we sat and talked about rules in a "non-threatening" situation.  She attended the singles ward yesterday - so I have to take each thing as a small step.

Addy turned 12, started middle school, and became an instant social maniac!  She is texting constantly, and BOY CRAZY.  I love her social attitude.  She was SUPER mad at her self for getting and A-, thus resulting in a 3.975 for 1st term.  She wants to be so many things, and do well at them.  She kinda (thats being nice) a control freak, and bossy.  hmm, wonder where from?  I actually worry about it.  I know what it did to me.  It made life (and still does) hard. She has a hard time just letting things roll off her shoulder.

Its hard to have a student (jos) who is content with a D-, and then one (addy) thats mad when it's an A-.  Jayson and I talked about giving Addy kuddos without hurting Joslynns feelings.  We made sure to let Addy know just how proud of her we were, but I wanted to jump up and down.  Addy talks about the job she will have in High School, along with her AP classes, and then scholarships so that she can become a surgeon.  Jos is 18, graduated for 6 months, and just getting a full time job with no hopes, dreams or goals except to live every day.  These two girls could not be any more opposite!

Today, Ashton turned 8, and I cried. A LOT.  He is my baby.  I thought we would have more. He is the light in my day.  He has this personality that you can't just not love! I don't want to make him sound like my favorite....but he is my favorite son :)

Jayson and I have done better in this last year than ever!  We are going somewhere.  I still get super emotional when I think of all the times we have almost called it quits, and then to see where we are now.  With so many things changing over the past year, he has been my rock.

I decided to leave Access Medical and re-join the EMG team as an apartment manager at a brand new complex in Brigham City.  This again, was a very hard decision for me, but I know it is the right one.  I have room for advancement and growth.  I love managing, and can not wait for the property to open in January.

As of September, I am 35 lbs lighter, and happy.  I am working out with some of the greatest people, and feel very blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing support group.

I am a facebooker, and it's normal to see people posting things they are grateful in the month of November.  I have chosen to read 21 days closer to Christ, and work on my daily and long term and happiness.  I started Nov.1, but have decided to do this as a family and will be "starting over" with them tonight.

After a visit with Jayson, myself and the bishop yesterday - I will, for the next 21 days be blogging about this experience.  At the end of 21 days, I will post about the difference I have seen within my family.  I hope you enjoy this journey with us.

Someones got a new baby

Jayson is FINALLY getting our very first second vehicle.  Yep, married 12 years with one car.  

I thought I would be better....

For some time I blogged weekly, then monthly, and now It has been 5 months.  I admit, I've written posts, then deleted.  It seemed that I was just venting, not writing things I would want to look back on and be proud of myself.  Then I told myself, it is who I am, It is what life is right now.

Re-Cap:

March:  Jayson and I celebrated 12 years of marriage.  I can't tell you how many people never thought we would make it to one.  Every marriage has up's and down's and we have had our share of them. Having an ex wife try to disturb the forces is never good, having a step-daughter adds tension and hard decisions, and not always agreeing on religious choices. Last year I thought we would have been going through the temple to mark 12 years - didn't happen.  Jayson is still going to church, every week with us.  He doesn't stay for all three meetings, but he does come.  Right now I would be VERY happy if he could baptize Ashton in November. We are still working on the goal, and I am not ready to go without him.  It's been 12 years...I can wait another year. People ask me this question all the time, and honestly I want to tell them to go to hell.  It's such a tender subject for me.  I get VERY emotional thinking about.  Not sure if it's becauseI know I should go without him now or wait - and NO, I don't want anyones opinion on that!

April: I can't honestly remember anything important about April.  Soccer was in full swing, Ashton was loving it.  I went to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving point with my Aunt Judy and cousins Margo and Jill.

May: BUSY!!! We went on a last minute getaway to St. George for Jaysons sister Debbies graduation.  We are so very proud of her!  She has been a busy mother of 6, going to school and working full time for YEARS, and is FINALLY done!  We enjoyed the sun and hiking through Zion.  The kids were happy to spend time at the pool relaxing and playing with cousins.  I put on a bridal shower for my cute niece Kayla.  Addy participated in the Stake Musical and loved every minute of it.  We made the decision to send Joslynn to Colorado for the summer working at a dude ranch.  She did not like this idea.  I felt it was needed (more on that later).  She graduated from High School - HUGE RELIEF - on a Thursday, helped Debbie set up for the wedding on Friday, wedding Saturday and put Joslynn on a plane Colorado bound Sunday morning at 7am. Not sure I even took a breath of air for an additional week.  She didn't want to talk to me.  She was mad at me, and thought we were punishing her.

June: School was out, and the headache of being a working mother with two kids set in.  Addy and Ashton did pretty well at home together all things considering.Only 5 phone calls per day is normal, right?  Addy started babysitting her cousin Katelyn 2-3x per week. I signed up for a testimonial program with ICON fitness. I started working out 3x per week at 7am, heading straight to work to shower, and sitting at my desk at 830am. whew!  Jalane offered to take my kids to Lagoon with her if I bought them season passes, what a HUGE HELP!  They love Lagoon!  Did the dinner and breakfast for Stake Girls camp again - had SO MUCH FUN! (Addy was invited to camp this year).  I used a committee of 4 women this year instead of trying to do it on my own.  We had a Royal Feast, and the girls and leaders loved it!  My friend Deb's son Kenton was diagnosed with Leukemia, and I became very involved with fundraising efforts to help out.

July: Ashton was able to attend Adventure Club every day at the school - what a relief!  He and Addy were starting NOT to get along.  My brother was sweet enough to take him on days I worked out, after he dropped Katelyn off to Addy.  Turned 32, got a bike from Jayson. Month 2 of working out. Kentons Bake Sale/Yard Sale, HUGE success!!!Joslynn only talking to us maybe weekly. Niel Diamond with Jayson (so much fun).

August: The kids both went to Sports Academy Summer Camp for a week, loved every minute of every day.  Joslynn turned 18, in Colorado, still not happy. We had Kentons carnival, another success. (next up, Kentons Cup and Concert).  Registered Addy for MIDDLE school, cried.

Present:
Tonight, we are purchasing "something."  Something BIG - this will require a different post.
Ashton has back to school night tonight and is super excited to be in Mrs. Pattersons class.  Addy had her also, and we loved her.  Addy has back to school night tomorrow, and wants to practice locker opening a little longer.  Friday night we have the annual CVE camp out up Blacksmith Fork.  Saturday, while the kids are on a ATV ride, I will be attending Wicked!!! :)  YEA!!!   Second time, thanks to WONDERFUL family!  Next Friday, we have Brigham City Temple open house tickets.  All of Jaysons family is coming, and then we are spending the remaining weekend at my bosses cabin in Bear Lake.  Joslynn will be home Thursday of next week. she's done. were not talking.

Joslynn and her mother have become very close over the summer.  I could say a lot of very mean things, but am TRYING very hard to be the better person and keep those thoughts to myself.  Last week Joslynn told her Dad she was coming home and going to live with her mother. I can't tell you what the plan is right now - remember, she and I are not talking.  Basically, she thinks she is all grown up and wants to make her own choices.  She also told me she wants nothing to do with the church.  She is 18, she has to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences. She is coming "home" to us on Thursday night.  We will be with family the entire weekend.  Nick is joining us.  They plan on getting married. I have NO IDEA what will happen after the weekend. I am scared, hurt, and very sad.  Joslynn has been part of my life since she was 4.  I know she is not "leaving" my life, but things are very distant right now.  I am angry - and I deserve to be angry!  Her mother has been in and out of her life when it worked for her.  She wants to be best friends now.  She IS her mother, I should be happy they are getting along. What hurts more than anything - all the wonderful things Christy has said about me over the years - while I raised HER daughter, with NO financial support! ( oh, wait - she did pay for her portion of the braces).  Christy is nice to my face, and a beast behind my back.  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I was raised to be above this, I will not let this kick me to the ground.  I have dealt with this for 14 years...and I can deal till the end of time.

On a much BETTER note.....new job, workout, better eating ....and THIRTY POUNDS LIGHTER! I feel better, confident, healthy, in control.  It's something I have never been before.  I did HCG a few years ago, dropped 20 lbs, gained it +10 back.  Didn't LEARN to eat right, portion control, diet and exercise.  We had weigh in last week, and I have lost 7.5 total " since June 1.  LOVING IT!

The past 6 months have felt like the hardest 6 months EVER. Changes in job, family, friendships, kids, financial, weight and religion.  I feel like these things should make everything "better."
Some days I don't think I can't go another. Some days I feel straight up crazy and wonder how we ALL make it? I have some amazing people in my life - they lift me up, encourage me, and keep me strong! I keep reminding myself just how lucky I am. 
Jayson has stood by me through all of this.  He encourages me and loves me unconditionally.  I am closer with him than before. He has become my best friend. We weren't always that.  We were married for a long time, just married. I don't know how to explain that.  I had to distance myself from people.  I had to quit talking about what was wrong with us.  I had to learn that we were in this together, and I needed to use his strength to make me stronger.  We are opposites - but he completes me.  His is my other half, the half that makes me whole.
It's been 5.5 years since I lost my mom - and miss her everyday.  Blessed to have my Dad so close, and be able to visit with him daily. Andrew and Marni living just a mile down the road, and our visitation with Chloe (it's a family joke).  I wish my sis Jennifer lived closer - maybe one day.
I feel blessed every day to be who I am, where I am.  I try to find the good in my day and focus on that.  Things are still crazy.  Im scared for the future of ALL THREE of my children, Im scared for my own future.  I believe with all my heart that having faith and doing what I have been asked to do will guide me in the right direction.  I have faith that my choices will not always have sudden results, but with patience and understanding all things will work out.  Each day is a learning lesson - I just have to find the lessson.

ta-da

I felt I was doing really good and at least posting monthly...but somewhere in time, I forgot about my little blog. heavens forbid.

I ran into a friend today who asked how the apartment industry was doing, and realized not everyone knows I left Riverwalk. It's amazing that I think If I put it on facebook, the entire world knows everything.

So, just to be clear...my last day at Riverwalk Apartments was January 17, 2012. I am currently working as an Administrative Assistant/Medical Office Manager at Access Home Care and Hospice/Home Medical. It is an AMAZING job, and I am so lucky to be working with such great people. I am not used to having people in my office. My boss is a health nut - and everyone else in the office is always on a diet - so - I've been drinking more water, eating healthier (eating before 6pm), and have lost 10 lbs since I started! I'm still 20lbs above where I need to be, but slowly and steady I will loose this damn weight.

I feel the only time I get on here is when the kids and hubby are a sleep, and I can't. Most of the time that also results in a lot of tears. I think too much :/ And then I wonder if the only thing I ever write about is what a ball-baby I am.

The obvious: I'm a little emotionally unstable

The fact: I'm baking again (quit for a bit, life got rough)

The truth: I suck as a parent

The wish: I could take some things (words) back

I have missed my mom an incredible amount lately, and I am positive it has something to do with struggling with a teenage daughter. I go through ups and downs missing her, wishing I could just talk to her. The other night I cried, for a very long time, for no other reason than wanting to talk to my mother. I was sitting on the steps in the garage, with the door open, listening to the wind. As I cried with my head down I wondered how I was ever going to manage the rest of my mortal life without her. The phrase "I would give anything for just one more day," comes to mind more often than not.

Since I haven't been writing here, I am going to update a few random/funny/serious/mater-o-fact facts...
1. My big brother had a beautiful baby girl, Katelyn on February 24th. We got to babysit her tonight for the first time. Andrew and Marni are living just down the road from us. Two weeks before Katelyn was born they were asked to leave there home at Hardware Ranch because of water contamination. They are unsure when they will be able to go back, but I am enjoying them living so close to us for now.
2. My little sis finally got a job at Sherwood Hills. Lucky for us, we get Chloe while she is at work, and love every minute of it! Chloe is now 8 months old, and starting to crawl. Ashton asks me if she can be his sister and not his cousin because he loves her so much. My friend Jalane helps out babysitting when Buff has to go into work before I'm off. Her little girl Taya LOVES Chloe. I feel so very blessed to have such great friends that can help out.
3. Joslynn also got a job. She is cleaning a law office in Logan 15 hrs a week. She is excited to be working, and now has great ambition to find another job with more hours during the day. Graduation is at the end of May, and as of now, she doesn't have plans for after HS
4. Addy got two fish for Christmas, and we had to flush poor Bugsy tonight. He/She has been acting strange for a little bit, and finally passed away :( Addy seemed to deal with the flushing quite well.
5. Ashtons bearded dragon is still very much alive, and I still very much do not like him.
6. I was asked to cook for Stake YW camp again this year. I feel a little more prepared, and am excited to do it.
7. We have tickets to attend the Saturday morning LDS General Conference session, and I am actually looking forward to it. Jayson is too, which makes it even better
8. Jaysons mom is doing exceptionally well. We are thankful for every day that we have with her!
9. Jaysons sister Tonja however is not doing so well. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She is 22 weeks pregnant, and leaking amniotic fluid. All they can do right now is keep her on bed rest, and try to keep the baby in her for as long as possible. Debbie flew out today to stay two weeks and help out with the boys while her doctors try to figure out what to do next. For now, they are keeping her in the hospital. They don't even want her getting up to use the bathroom. All we can do is pray, that our father in heaven knows what is best for Tonja and the baby and have faith that things will turn out the way they need to.

I feel that I have more...but my eyes are heavy tonight. Maybe I should just be better at updating when things happen

The Legacy of an Adopted Child

My birth mother gave me this poem a few years ago. She is an amazing woman - who gave me life, and let another help me live life. I am blessed everyday to have been raised the way I was.

One there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.

Two different lives shaped,
to make you one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you up,
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years;
Heredity or Environment,
which are you a product of?
Neither my darling,neither;
Just two different kinds of love.

just tears

I wrote a post last Sunday - my post of the month. I wasn't feeling it. I was holding back something. I wanted to write something profound, it didn't work out that way. I wanted to express the emotions I have been having, but couldn't. I'm not sure why. Im not sure tonight can be any better, but Im going to try.

For whatever reason, I feel more blessed than ever before. I cry...DAILY...at ANYTHING. Commercials, stories, songs, kind words, thoughts... You name it, I'm crying.

Tonight I read a old friend/neighbors post about the star on her barn at home, how it signified a homecoming, and the beautiful song that she wrote with her brother before his passing in December 2003 in a skiing accident. I bawled like a baby. I can't get it together. You can listen to her song here:
hilltopstar.blogspot.com

Life is so precious, and I feel as I have taken it for granted. It seems that every day I hear a story, a sad story, of someone struggling through life;physically, emotionally or mentally.

Some of you may have heard about sweet Allisa Berry. See her blog here: http://hopeforallisa.com/updates/ . I found her blog just last Monday. ALL day I couldn't help but to think about this sweet girl and her story. I had no clue who she or her family were but felt I needed to do something. I took flowers to her Monday night, by myself. I met her, we talked. I felt her amazing spirit. Being in the Berry's home, only for a few minutes was something I needed. I find myself each day thinking about Allisa - how she is so aware that she will be leaving this earthly life, yet she is prepared to meet her maker. Her parents asking not for a miracle, but simply our prayers.

How I would love to know that I was prepared to meet my maker. To know that I had done everything that was asked of me.

We almost lost Jaysons mom this year to Pancreatic Cancer, and just this last week she went back to work. She is determined to make every day count - to live EACH day to the fullest, and enjoy everything she is given. She is a strong woman, and won't go down without a fight. She is such an inspiration to me. I am amazed every day by her, and her choice to live!

I hope that my family and friends know how truly grateful I am for there friendship. How I value living in this beautiful land, surrounded by good neighbors. I am grateful to have been raised by such wonderful parents. I feel so very lucky to have my four siblings (who listen to me, all the time) and to have married into such a great family.

Now I ask something of you - please, pray harder for those in need today. Remember those who are struggling, and who need a helping hand. Take a moment to tell someone how they have impacted your life, and made you a better person.

Merry Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year -

and the busiest...

I thought as the kids got older, things would slow down. No chance of that here! I finally wrapped a few gifts tonight. My closet was getting a little crowded. and then - I found more hidden gifts - oops!
I told Jayson NOT to let me buy anything else. Holy Schmoly. My kids have enough shit, and I just keep buying more.
however - why are men so hard to buy for. and why, I ask, do they have to be so damn expensive! I can get all three kids DONE for the price of one of the things Jayson wants. but...then he says "I don't want anything babe, just you." Okay - you can wipe up the throw up now. He's getting so cheesy in his old age. ( I wont lie, I kinda like it).

I do, however, feel very blessed tonight.
Joslynn ran off the road on her way to her grandmas tonight. Only about a mile down the road, through a fence on my Dads property. She said she remembers looking down and then loosing control of her car. She missed the telephone pole, hit a fence post that somehow came out of the ground, and went just over the winsdhield, through TWO fences, and only cosmetic damage to her car. She was pretty shook up. When I looked at all the posts she missed, I knew she must have had an angel with her. No way should she have not had more damage to her or the car. The scratches are deep, the passenger mirror is missing, both headlights are broken and she popped a tire - but she walked away, and Jayson drove the car home.
I feel so blessed that she is okay. Not sure how soon she will want to drive again - but Im okay with that!

It's amazing how quickly we forget the small things. How lucky we are. How blessed we are.

I don't like my job right now. AT ALL! but...I keep telling myself, in this day, Im lucky to have a job. Im grateful to not be struggling financially through life. I have a beautiful home, with a wonderful family. I have my faith, and my savior.

I love Christmas. I love everything about it! But mostly, remembering why we celebrate. It is, the most wonderful time of the year!


Happy Holidays.

squeeze your loved ones once more today.

thankful

As I walked into church I noticed a thankful tree. It encouraged us to take a leaf, write a thought of gratitude, and place it on the tree. During relief society, the lesson was on gratitude. We went around the entire room each stating a thing we were thankful for. I don't think a dry eye was in the room. I began to think of all the things that I have in life that make each day wonderful.

My thankfulness today is for the gift of the atonement. This year, has been like no other for me. It started in January when I made the choice to go visit with my bishop and talk with him about things I had been holding onto for years. Things that go back to my youth. Things that I felt I needed to come clean of. I visited with him for hours. And then visited with Jayson about my choices to repent of my past, do what was asked of me, and become worthy to go into the temple and come closer to my father in heaven.
Jayson then told me that he wanted to do this with me. I wasn't prepared to hear that from him. We decided together that we would begin the journey to make our family an eternal family. Many prayers, tears, struggles and spiritual gifts have been a constant part of our family since then.
This past year we invited the missionaries to come into our home and help us learn more about our savior and the eternal blessings that we can have. They have been in our home weekly, and have become more like family than anything. We have grown to love them, and anticipate each of the visits we have with them. They often stop by just to say hello and grab a treat (because we always have treats at this house). The spirit they bring into our home is amazing.
We are getting closer every day to our eternal goal. It has been hard. I keep reminding myself that in the end, Jayson will be there with me.
I am thankful today...because I can be! (even if Jayson did work all day, and is now paying more attention to the Steelers game than me).

Beautiful Heartbreak

I've said it before, I will forever continue saying it.
I miss my mom.
For the past two weeks I have been sick. Sicker than I have been in a LONG time. I called the Dr. on Friday, and got another round of antibiotics.
I haven't cloroxed walls, dusted, de-cluttered, finished laundry,scrubbed the shower, or "deep cleaned" not one damn thing in two weeks. I feel like my husband and kids are big enough and responsible enough to complete these tasks - but that hasn't been the case.
Joslynn is busy been a teen/senior. Jayson is working 60+ hours a week, and no sooner comes home, showers and goes to bed. Addy, my social butterfly has a friend or a project going at every moment, and Ashton is practicing his Nitro Circus tricks on his motorcycle.
By week two I was getting a little resentment towards my family.
Im still convinced I became sick due to stress from the sale/transition of Riverwalk.
FINALLY, on Wednesday I was offered an official position with the new company - included were a raise and a sign on bonus :) I should be happy - right?
Nope - Im too busy feeling sorry for myself.
Yesterday I went with my bestie to help take formals of my sweet Jordan Mair. I've babysat her since she was a baby. I LOVE the entire Mair family. I couldn't be happier that she is getting married, in the temple. Watching them take pictures in front of the temple, and be so excited that in 10 days they would be there, together, sealed to each other for eternity was so exciting. However (yep, here comes the woe-as-me)after dropping Jordan and Kris off I just started to cry.
I know my turn will come, but it is taken what seems like FOREVER! I want more than anything for Jayson and I to be sealed for eternity. It can't happen soon enough, but unfortunately, the ball is in Jaysons court, and he is just holding the damn ball and wont shoot!
I walked in the door - just in enough time to say good bye to Jos and she went out the door with Mr. Wonderful. Ashton and Addy were downstairs playing, and Jayson was sitting on the couch....watching TV (grrrr) NOTHING had been done in the 5 hours I had been gone. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!
...
last night, while Jayson was at work, I finally put away 2 weeks worth of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and loaded the dishwasher. I was a little bugged that not one more thing had been done all day.
...
I got upset, and quick - then Jayson threw out some ass hole comment, and I ran into my room crying.
and then....I sat in my room and cried, and then I just wanted to run away. and then I wanted to call my mom so she could make it all better -
but I can't
dammit I hate this!
why can't we just CALL heaven?
why did she have to go?
why can't I just put on my big girl panties and deal with it?
...
and then this morning, this was the first thing I saw.
talk about answers to a prayer.
I know my heavenly father listens to us. I know that he will help us. I know that he wants only the best for us. And yes, I know that sometimes, I can't have everything I want.
This song is beautiful! It is JUST what I needed this Sunday morning.



I know we are each given our trials - to learn from and make us stronger. I can only hope that I can remember to count to ten before I blow up - and remind myself that this is my life. I am in control of what I do, how I react, how I speak and what I say.
My day will come, I know this.

Happy Halloween

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Expressions of Love

Just one of those days that I love my chewbacha more than ever!

down by the river

Im gonna try to make this simple...

I manage apartments in Logan, Utah

EMG OWNS and MANAGES Riverwalk Apartments

I work, as a manager, at Riverwalk Apartments for EMG

EMG is selling the ownership of Riverwalk

ICG is purchasing Riverwalk

ICG will NOT (as of today) be using EMG as the management company

Riverstone will be MANAGING Riverwalk, OWNED by IGC

Riverstone will hire me as a manager

I WILL STILL BE AT RIVERWALK, just with new owners and new management co.

NO ONE from Riverstone has talked to me about working for them (pay, benefits, ect.)

I am stressed

The "closing" will happen first week of November

I get a "bonus" for staying with EMG through the sale...because...ITS A PAIN IN THE ASS! I have wanted to leave my keys on the desk and walk out at least once a week for the past month.

It will be better

breath in, breath out

hell, maybe I'll get a raise :)

for sale

My emotions that is.
I watch fellow bloggers, and find it interesting what others are blogging about. For some It's only pictures, with just a few words. Others, fine writing. For some, it's a business tool. For me - well, I think It's where I put my deepest emotions. I don't think to just blog about the happiness. I turn to it as a journal entry. And honestly - over the last few months I haven't been writing because I wasn't sure I wanted to show my raw emotion to the world knowing that others read this. I have seven drafts saved - and haven't put a one of them out here. So here's the skinny - I think when I write I daydream that I'm writing to my mother. All the things I can't tell her because she isn't here. All my sadness she used to fix for me. All my tears she would wipe away.
Friday is her birthday. I miss her more every year. I was too young to loose a mother. My children were far to young to loose a "maree," and my father was robbed of the love of his life.
I often say that baking is my stress relief. I believe that. When I was younger, I remember my mother in the kitchen. Making wonderful things. Preparing for some special dinner, and making sure the table looked just right. As I grew, and after her stroke, he cooking went a little south - but it's the thought that counts, right?
so tonight - Im letting some of the hidden emotions out.
please forgive me
stop reading now
or read on...
but you have to promise to comment, it gives me warm fuzzies.

THE KIDS:
Joslynn; it seems like it has taken forever to get where we are. You always told me one day she would appriciate all that I did. I think maybe, just maybe I see that now. She turned seventeen in August. still no licence, and not much drive to get it. She has had her permit since last August. BUT...finally, Monday, she got it. The look on her face was priceless! and then today, her orthodontist told her she might just get her braces off in two months, after two long years. Her comment: "look ma, Im growing up." It melted my heart. She is going to Homecoming this Saturday. The dress...beautiful! Makes her look all grown up too. And then, the reality that she really is a senior, and might just leave this house - well, It breaks my heart. I've loved that little girl like my very own since the day I met her. All I've ever wanted her to feel is loved.

Addy; geesh, when you said she was just like me, you weren't kidding. Sometimes it breaks my heart. I know what I struggled with - and see her going in the SAME direction. She turned eleven on Sunday....and...(TMI) started her period tonight! I can't even stand it! I got super upset with her Saturday night about not sharing, and then had to run to Maceys to grab the groceries for her Sunday birthday dinner. When I got home, she had left a note on my bed. The note that makes you feel like the worst parent in the world. The "Im sorry I make you so mad, I know you wished I was never born" note. And then It dawned on me. We are a family because of her. If I had not have gotten pregnant, who knows where Jayson and I would be today. I quickly went into her room, gave her a big kiss and told her how much I loved her. She misses her Maree just as much as me. Her Maree was her very best friend. When she's having a bad day, she tells me a tea party with Maree would make it all better.

Ashton; This little man is the light of my life! His beautiful eyes looking at me, telling me he loves me. He was my angel straight from heaven. It took me forever to get him here, and I knew he would be my last. Every little thing he does I embrace. I probably need to get triple insurance coverage to cover what he'll do in the future - but I love that he has such an ambition to get out and enjoy life.

my chewbacha;I've put this man through hell and back - and he still comes home to me every night. He loves me. He loves my entire crazy family, and he would do anything for me. We have grown so very much over the last twelve years, I can't imagine what the rest of time will be like. I KNOW one day, we will promise eternity together. I know he is trying. I know the devil sits on his shoulder. He has a past that had him dead by 25, and now - well, life is just beginning. Alcohol is a nasty poison, one of the hardest Im sure. But I know he can do it! I know we can do it together - for our family. For us. For himself.

church; I have NEVER felt this close before, yet so far away. When I don't go, Im empty. Something is missing. Something doesn't feel right. The minute I walk through those chapel doors, I am calm, at peace. I know I'll make it - one step at a time!

family; where to start...MaryLou was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer in March 2011. On June 17, she underwent a surgery (the whipple procedure) that would hopefully remove this cancer. (talk about modern technology). After 18.5 LONG hours in surgery, the procedure was done, and well she is cancer free. However - She's not out of the woods yet. The recovery has been anything but easy. After having every side affect possible, rehab, and more - she came home on Sunday. I still don't think she's even 40% - but she's not giving up! We all knew what this would/could do to her. We all know that she may still not make a full recovery. But, we love her, and are NOT ready to give up the fight!
my family; Elizabeths baby was born July 17, five weeks early. Only weighing in at 5lb 11oz. Today, 2 months later - she's weighing in at 8lb 11oz. We love her so much! Luckily for Aunt Maggie, I live next door, and get this little angel quite a bit. I am so lucky to be apart of her life.
My Dad - bless his heart, has Elizabeth, baby, boyfriend and Kevin living at home with him. I KNOW there is a special place in heaven for him. I enjoy taking him dinner at night, and Sunday afternoons. I get pretty emotional when I talk about how amazing I think my father is. Its as if I don't even have words to describe what I feel. He has had things happen to him that no man/boy/son/brother or father should have to go through. But his trust in the lord, that with this, all things shall pass, is simply amazing. I love him. I am so lucky to have been given him.

the job;AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Riverwalk is selling within the next 30-45 days, and at this point, the new owners will be using a new management company. I have been offered a position with them, and will be able to stay in my current position. BUT - Im not excited. It's like interviewing for a job that you never turned in an application for. I feel forced to make the change- a change I am not prepared to make. What If I don't want to do it anymore? What if Im done? I would LOVE and I mean LOVE to be doing something that I have passion and dreams about. Not so sure that passion and dreams pay the bills though. Reality is reality, and sometimes dreams just have to wait.

I feel blessed every day I come home through the doors of MY home, greeted by MY kids, and see my smokin hot construction worker. Im lucky. I know that. But I still have bad days.

I miss you mom. I didn't know it was possible to miss you more every day. I miss our chats. I miss your smile. I miss your funny clothes. I miss our trips to town. I miss your advice, and your kind words. Happy birth day.
i. miss.you.
every single day!

shit, damn and hell

These are my three favorite {naughty} words. I say them a lot. My Dad once told me the were "legal." I'm gonna stick to what he said.
Today was a shit, damn, hell.....and.....a few more words kinda day.

thank you!

It's amazing how something as simple as a facebook "Happy Birthday" can make you feel so dang important. I have the bestest friends in the whole wide world.
THANK YOU to all of you. It's just goes to show that you never know how something so simple can make someones day.
I don't expect much on my birthdays, Im too old for that. But just the words "happy birthday" mean someone was thinking of me.

Since my mom passed, my father has taken up baking (just a few things)and one of them is Magic Cookie Bars. My entire family and extended family loves the little pieces of magic(I love the crusty little edges most). Two years ago, my sweet Dad went into Kitchen Kneads and bought one of those brownie edge pans. Each year for my birthday he comes over when Im not home, and sneaks it out and makes me my own individual pan of magic cookie bar EDGES. Seriously - Best Dad EVER! see - SIMPLE things make me so happy!

After my moms funeral, my Dad made comments about how he noticed that certain people he thought would come didn't. At the time, I think It hurt his feelings. Im pretty sure that since then, he has gone to almost every viewing of people he knows. Sometimes, It creates awkward moments, telling someone you barely know how sorry you are - but on the end - all they will remember is that you showed them support.

It taught me a valuable lesson to never under estimate the power of your being. I can't tell you how many times someone elses smile, facebook/blog comment, or text has made my day. THANK YOU to all of you who have made my day feel so very important.

yackity smakity

I tend to blog, late at night, when I can't sleep, because I have WAY to much on my mind.
Here is to yet another bloggidy blog;

1. One week from now, I will not be able to sleep. Why? Because I will be anticipating waking up my little angels to get on a 9:05 flight outta here, to the beautiful coast of Oregon for and entire SEVEN days.

2. I feel that I deserve this vacation more that anything right now.

3. I just completed unit inspections at my property. What are these you ask? Twice a year, I have the joy of inspecting every single one of the eighty eight apartment homes on the property I manage. Some units are pleasant, clean, and smell of fresh Clorox. Others, well, they leave dog shit in the bathroom so that you can step in it! Yes, dog shit. and fresh at that. And yes - I made her take my shoe, and wash it off! AND yes, I gave her a warning notice. I can be a real mean landlord at times.

4. My property is for sale. It has been for sale for all six years that I have been managing it. However, this is the first time that it has been listed with an active broker. I have three appointments in the next three days to "tour" the property. The potential sale could mean a few things for me. A. New owner will purchase the property, but continue using EMG (current employer) as the management service. B. The new owner will NOT use EMG, but will hire me to continue managing the property for them. and C. I will no longer be needed at Riverwalk.
This entire concept is very hard for me right now. It makes me very emotional. I have no control of the situation, and just have to put on my happy pants and smile. I do not like knowing what is going to happen. I like "plans."
Honestly - I can't imagine working for another management company besides EMG. I know people change jobs all the time, but I am happy where I am. I enjoy the people I work with. I love my residents, and the property I manage. Some of the residents have become like a second family to me. I spend 40+ hours per week getting to know them, personal information. I have watched some of those children grow up, and graduate. I have held a mother, as she watched her baby pass away. I have listened to them, consulted them, helped them deal with there child's sexuality choices. I have cried, laughed, and learned with my residents. How could I leave that? As much as I whine about them, I truly love them. I can honestly say that I know each and every resident by name. (Well, maybe not the Burmees ones, but that's because the names are so dang hard!)
The sale and outcome of my property are mostly out of my control. My choices will placed before me, and I will have to choose. Of course - the best option is A. I pray that EMG continues to be the management company on the property - if not - be warned of the complete anxiety attack! (yes, I do have meds on hand)

5. My babies are growing up. I even cried thinking about Joslynn being a senior this next year. She has become the most beautiful, strong young woman. I am proud of the choices that she is making to helping her achieve eternal happiness. Addy made me promise to take her to the Barn Dance last Saturday night. She put on a skirt, and away we went. Her "crush" asked her to dance and she declined because she was nervous. Luckily she got brave and asked him before the night was over. Ashton begs and cries for either a dirt bike or a four wheeler every night. My little dare devil is gonna be the life of me.

6. We have been attending church as a family and the missionaries have been coming to our home. This is a HUGE step not only for Jayson, but our entire family. Jayson and I have talked our entire marriage about making "better choices" for our family. Were still making changes. I am so thankful for the blessings of patience that our Heavenly Father has given us, and that he has with us. Jayson and I both still have a long way to go - but the light is closer than it has EVER been. Jayson talks about the day he will drink his last beer.....it's just a talk right now, but one day it will be a reality. I can only expect him to move at his own pace. Elder Hall and Elder Williams have been such a blessing. We love having our visits with them. I can't even begin to explain the spirit and peace they bring into our home. Watching the children, and Jayson participate brings such joy to me. I am learning so much about myself, things I never knew. I tend to make this about Jayson - but really, I need it to.

7. I have the most amazing friends, ever! We have this little group that we spend most Saturday nights with. Jayson calls them his "Saturday warriors." This last Sunday, two of the families came over after church, had lunch/dinner with us, and spent the entire afternoon/evening her at our house. We cleaned up, made treats, watched the game, played outside with the kids, watched the kids "put on a play, " and went for a very short walk :) My warriors are my strength! I can NOT imagine where I would be right now without them. My weeks are not complete when we don't see them. I feel as if I need each and every one of them for an individual purpose.

8. My dad is the greatest! Just giving him a little shout-out. Growing up, he was ALWAYS working to provide for our family. He taught me that hard work didn't come easy, but the outcome is rewarding. I loved working with him on the farm, and getting life's lessons from him. I'm pretty sure the "birds and the bees" was demonstrated doing AI on a cow. I can guarantee you this - thinking that having a child meant some dude was gonna put on a glove, and shove his entire arm up me was not a pleasant thought. I stayed clear of boys (for awhile). But seriously, to this day - If I need advice, a shoulder, or a fathers blessing, my Dad is there for me. I am so grateful to live so close to him. I am so lucky that my children can ride there bikes to the barn yard, or hop in the swather with him when he's working the fields. He is an inspiring man. Keeping positive and looking forward, and always having words of wisdom.

As I have been writing my thoughts of the day,I can't help but to feel grateful. I am so lucky to have a good job, good friends, and close family. I am so lucky to be in love with my best friend. I am blessed to have three beautiful children. I am even grateful for the one dog, one lizard and three goats (PS. Roofus is leaving - he's mean to the ginny goats). I am thankful for everyday that I have to spend with the people that I love. Life is too short not to.

Laugh harder, love stronger, forgive quicker, and hold tighter.

CTR

It's been over a month since I last posted something here. I was feeling very down, and didn't want to portray my negative attitude here. I was trying to get to a better place, mentally. I sometimes feel if I just let it all out, then I feel better. Each time I would sit down to write, I felt that my attitude was too negative, and I should keep it to myself.

Today, I felt spiritually uplifted. Today, I was positive. Today, I was blessed.

Today, I slept in. I wanted to go to church, but I didn't want to get up. I came out into the kitchen to find Jos ready for church.
We've been talking A LOT about choosing the right - and here I am - NOT choosing the right. She looked so dang cute, and simply suggests that we go to our old ward, since they start at 11. What a little angel!
I am so grateful that we went. It felt good to be welcomed. It felt good to be missed. And the lessons today were just what I needed. Patience with our children, and missionary work.
I have been blessed having Joslynn in my life. She has taught me so much. I won't deny that being a step mom carries its challenges, but all in all - I'm pretty lucky!
Whenever I get a little mother daughter time with her, It reminds me how much I enjoyed talking with my mom. I wont deny, I probably talk more than I listen - but I am working on it.

Jos- I love you. I am so very lucky to have you. I can't imagine for one minute what my life would be like without you. Thank you for being and example, to me and our family. Your dad and I are so proud of the choices you are making, and the person that you are. You are the bomb.com :)

Self Doubt

"Any experience can be transformed into something of value. Everything depends on the way you look at things. You cannot have the success without the failures."

I'm having a rough day , so please forgive me. I am trying to take the quote above, and make today better.

My maintenace man QUIT today - no notice - it's snowing - and I have an inspection on Monday.

I manage a property with 88 apartments. One Manager, One Maintenance - thats it! I have no back up. I have no one to pick up someone elses slack.

I am pissed

It's Spring Break, and I have not done one great thing with my kids.

Jayson got sent home early "rain day." - and now - he's going to hang out with the guys at The Owl for lunch.

My kids are home

I am pissed

I want to scream

I bribed a tenant that I would take his late fee off if he would shovel the walks

I have gone through FIVE maintenance guys in five years - I beginning to think it's me.

My boss told me not to take it personal

Im taking it personal

I feel overwhelmed

I will be okay

I just needed to vent

If you are aware of any QUALIFIED MAINTENANCE people, who would LIKE to work FULL TIME (or part time seasonal), please have them send a resume to Riverwalk Apartments @ 753-5404

more {extended} family...friends

This post is a shout out to some very important people in my life, my friends!

You know who you are, or at least you should. You have done something, at some point in my life to be my friend. Maybe my mother made us be friends when we were little. Maybe we were neighbors. Maybe we were in the same class. Maybe were related, but more like sisters than friends. Maybe we worked together. Maybe our children are friends. Maybe, just maybe you don't even know what you are to me, but I will call you my friend.

To my oldest, and dearest friends - Becky and Kaehla - I can't imagine what life would have ever been without you. My childhood and who I am today is because of you.

To my cousi-ster - I still love you even if you made me play horses when we were little.

To my favorite neighbors EVER, and my "other" family - The best three years a person could ever have, on the corner of 9100 south. I still wish Steve would have just burnt the house down, and we would have stayed!

To my high school bestie, Tammy - Every good story about getting in trouble involves you! :) Thanks for always being there, even to this day.

To my old roomie, and the best damn hair stylist - Lacee, you are the BOMB.COM!

To my co-workers (past and present) - this ones for you Miken - I love what I do because of people like you. You make the everyday interesting.

To my fellow blogging buddies - I can't thank you enough for the love and support a simple comment shows. KarKar and Jess, I'm sad we waited till after HS to make this friendship, and feel so lucky to have it now.

To the parents of my sons best friend - THANK YOU! I love having you and your family in my home. I love that we have become such great friends all because of 2 little dudes. I can't wait for the adventures and future that we will share together!

To my future daughter-in-laws parents - I can not express enough my gratitude to you. I am who I am today because of you! You were brought into my {and Jaysons} life for a reason.

I feel SO BLESSED tonight to have wonderful people in my life. I am full of such emotion and gratitude. YOU my friends, are AMAZING!