My emotions that is.
I watch fellow bloggers, and find it interesting what others are blogging about. For some It's only pictures, with just a few words. Others, fine writing. For some, it's a business tool. For me - well, I think It's where I put my deepest emotions. I don't think to just blog about the happiness. I turn to it as a journal entry. And honestly - over the last few months I haven't been writing because I wasn't sure I wanted to show my raw emotion to the world knowing that others read this. I have seven drafts saved - and haven't put a one of them out here. So here's the skinny - I think when I write I daydream that I'm writing to my mother. All the things I can't tell her because she isn't here. All my sadness she used to fix for me. All my tears she would wipe away.
Friday is her birthday. I miss her more every year. I was too young to loose a mother. My children were far to young to loose a "maree," and my father was robbed of the love of his life.
I often say that baking is my stress relief. I believe that. When I was younger, I remember my mother in the kitchen. Making wonderful things. Preparing for some special dinner, and making sure the table looked just right. As I grew, and after her stroke, he cooking went a little south - but it's the thought that counts, right?
so tonight - Im letting some of the hidden emotions out.
please forgive me
stop reading now
or read on...
but you have to promise to comment, it gives me warm fuzzies.
THE KIDS:
Joslynn; it seems like it has taken forever to get where we are. You always told me one day she would appriciate all that I did. I think maybe, just maybe I see that now. She turned seventeen in August. still no licence, and not much drive to get it. She has had her permit since last August. BUT...finally, Monday, she got it. The look on her face was priceless! and then today, her orthodontist told her she might just get her braces off in two months, after two long years. Her comment: "look ma, Im growing up." It melted my heart. She is going to Homecoming this Saturday. The dress...beautiful! Makes her look all grown up too. And then, the reality that she really is a senior, and might just leave this house - well, It breaks my heart. I've loved that little girl like my very own since the day I met her. All I've ever wanted her to feel is loved.
Addy; geesh, when you said she was just like me, you weren't kidding. Sometimes it breaks my heart. I know what I struggled with - and see her going in the SAME direction. She turned eleven on Sunday....and...(TMI) started her period tonight! I can't even stand it! I got super upset with her Saturday night about not sharing, and then had to run to Maceys to grab the groceries for her Sunday birthday dinner. When I got home, she had left a note on my bed. The note that makes you feel like the worst parent in the world. The "Im sorry I make you so mad, I know you wished I was never born" note. And then It dawned on me. We are a family because of her. If I had not have gotten pregnant, who knows where Jayson and I would be today. I quickly went into her room, gave her a big kiss and told her how much I loved her. She misses her Maree just as much as me. Her Maree was her very best friend. When she's having a bad day, she tells me a tea party with Maree would make it all better.
Ashton; This little man is the light of my life! His beautiful eyes looking at me, telling me he loves me. He was my angel straight from heaven. It took me forever to get him here, and I knew he would be my last. Every little thing he does I embrace. I probably need to get triple insurance coverage to cover what he'll do in the future - but I love that he has such an ambition to get out and enjoy life.
my chewbacha;I've put this man through hell and back - and he still comes home to me every night. He loves me. He loves my entire crazy family, and he would do anything for me. We have grown so very much over the last twelve years, I can't imagine what the rest of time will be like. I KNOW one day, we will promise eternity together. I know he is trying. I know the devil sits on his shoulder. He has a past that had him dead by 25, and now - well, life is just beginning. Alcohol is a nasty poison, one of the hardest Im sure. But I know he can do it! I know we can do it together - for our family. For us. For himself.
church; I have NEVER felt this close before, yet so far away. When I don't go, Im empty. Something is missing. Something doesn't feel right. The minute I walk through those chapel doors, I am calm, at peace. I know I'll make it - one step at a time!
family; where to start...MaryLou was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer in March 2011. On June 17, she underwent a surgery (the whipple procedure) that would hopefully remove this cancer. (talk about modern technology). After 18.5 LONG hours in surgery, the procedure was done, and well she is cancer free. However - She's not out of the woods yet. The recovery has been anything but easy. After having every side affect possible, rehab, and more - she came home on Sunday. I still don't think she's even 40% - but she's not giving up! We all knew what this would/could do to her. We all know that she may still not make a full recovery. But, we love her, and are NOT ready to give up the fight!
my family; Elizabeths baby was born July 17, five weeks early. Only weighing in at 5lb 11oz. Today, 2 months later - she's weighing in at 8lb 11oz. We love her so much! Luckily for Aunt Maggie, I live next door, and get this little angel quite a bit. I am so lucky to be apart of her life.
My Dad - bless his heart, has Elizabeth, baby, boyfriend and Kevin living at home with him. I KNOW there is a special place in heaven for him. I enjoy taking him dinner at night, and Sunday afternoons. I get pretty emotional when I talk about how amazing I think my father is. Its as if I don't even have words to describe what I feel. He has had things happen to him that no man/boy/son/brother or father should have to go through. But his trust in the lord, that with this, all things shall pass, is simply amazing. I love him. I am so lucky to have been given him.
the job;AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Riverwalk is selling within the next 30-45 days, and at this point, the new owners will be using a new management company. I have been offered a position with them, and will be able to stay in my current position. BUT - Im not excited. It's like interviewing for a job that you never turned in an application for. I feel forced to make the change- a change I am not prepared to make. What If I don't want to do it anymore? What if Im done? I would LOVE and I mean LOVE to be doing something that I have passion and dreams about. Not so sure that passion and dreams pay the bills though. Reality is reality, and sometimes dreams just have to wait.
I feel blessed every day I come home through the doors of MY home, greeted by MY kids, and see my smokin hot construction worker. Im lucky. I know that. But I still have bad days.
I miss you mom. I didn't know it was possible to miss you more every day. I miss our chats. I miss your smile. I miss your funny clothes. I miss our trips to town. I miss your advice, and your kind words. Happy birth day.
i. miss.you.
every single day!
