The Legacy of an Adopted Child

My birth mother gave me this poem a few years ago. She is an amazing woman - who gave me life, and let another help me live life. I am blessed everyday to have been raised the way I was.

One there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.

Two different lives shaped,
to make you one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you up,
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years;
Heredity or Environment,
which are you a product of?
Neither my darling,neither;
Just two different kinds of love.

just tears

I wrote a post last Sunday - my post of the month. I wasn't feeling it. I was holding back something. I wanted to write something profound, it didn't work out that way. I wanted to express the emotions I have been having, but couldn't. I'm not sure why. Im not sure tonight can be any better, but Im going to try.

For whatever reason, I feel more blessed than ever before. I cry...DAILY...at ANYTHING. Commercials, stories, songs, kind words, thoughts... You name it, I'm crying.

Tonight I read a old friend/neighbors post about the star on her barn at home, how it signified a homecoming, and the beautiful song that she wrote with her brother before his passing in December 2003 in a skiing accident. I bawled like a baby. I can't get it together. You can listen to her song here:
hilltopstar.blogspot.com

Life is so precious, and I feel as I have taken it for granted. It seems that every day I hear a story, a sad story, of someone struggling through life;physically, emotionally or mentally.

Some of you may have heard about sweet Allisa Berry. See her blog here: http://hopeforallisa.com/updates/ . I found her blog just last Monday. ALL day I couldn't help but to think about this sweet girl and her story. I had no clue who she or her family were but felt I needed to do something. I took flowers to her Monday night, by myself. I met her, we talked. I felt her amazing spirit. Being in the Berry's home, only for a few minutes was something I needed. I find myself each day thinking about Allisa - how she is so aware that she will be leaving this earthly life, yet she is prepared to meet her maker. Her parents asking not for a miracle, but simply our prayers.

How I would love to know that I was prepared to meet my maker. To know that I had done everything that was asked of me.

We almost lost Jaysons mom this year to Pancreatic Cancer, and just this last week she went back to work. She is determined to make every day count - to live EACH day to the fullest, and enjoy everything she is given. She is a strong woman, and won't go down without a fight. She is such an inspiration to me. I am amazed every day by her, and her choice to live!

I hope that my family and friends know how truly grateful I am for there friendship. How I value living in this beautiful land, surrounded by good neighbors. I am grateful to have been raised by such wonderful parents. I feel so very lucky to have my four siblings (who listen to me, all the time) and to have married into such a great family.

Now I ask something of you - please, pray harder for those in need today. Remember those who are struggling, and who need a helping hand. Take a moment to tell someone how they have impacted your life, and made you a better person.

Merry Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year -

and the busiest...

I thought as the kids got older, things would slow down. No chance of that here! I finally wrapped a few gifts tonight. My closet was getting a little crowded. and then - I found more hidden gifts - oops!
I told Jayson NOT to let me buy anything else. Holy Schmoly. My kids have enough shit, and I just keep buying more.
however - why are men so hard to buy for. and why, I ask, do they have to be so damn expensive! I can get all three kids DONE for the price of one of the things Jayson wants. but...then he says "I don't want anything babe, just you." Okay - you can wipe up the throw up now. He's getting so cheesy in his old age. ( I wont lie, I kinda like it).

I do, however, feel very blessed tonight.
Joslynn ran off the road on her way to her grandmas tonight. Only about a mile down the road, through a fence on my Dads property. She said she remembers looking down and then loosing control of her car. She missed the telephone pole, hit a fence post that somehow came out of the ground, and went just over the winsdhield, through TWO fences, and only cosmetic damage to her car. She was pretty shook up. When I looked at all the posts she missed, I knew she must have had an angel with her. No way should she have not had more damage to her or the car. The scratches are deep, the passenger mirror is missing, both headlights are broken and she popped a tire - but she walked away, and Jayson drove the car home.
I feel so blessed that she is okay. Not sure how soon she will want to drive again - but Im okay with that!

It's amazing how quickly we forget the small things. How lucky we are. How blessed we are.

I don't like my job right now. AT ALL! but...I keep telling myself, in this day, Im lucky to have a job. Im grateful to not be struggling financially through life. I have a beautiful home, with a wonderful family. I have my faith, and my savior.

I love Christmas. I love everything about it! But mostly, remembering why we celebrate. It is, the most wonderful time of the year!


Happy Holidays.

squeeze your loved ones once more today.

thankful

As I walked into church I noticed a thankful tree. It encouraged us to take a leaf, write a thought of gratitude, and place it on the tree. During relief society, the lesson was on gratitude. We went around the entire room each stating a thing we were thankful for. I don't think a dry eye was in the room. I began to think of all the things that I have in life that make each day wonderful.

My thankfulness today is for the gift of the atonement. This year, has been like no other for me. It started in January when I made the choice to go visit with my bishop and talk with him about things I had been holding onto for years. Things that go back to my youth. Things that I felt I needed to come clean of. I visited with him for hours. And then visited with Jayson about my choices to repent of my past, do what was asked of me, and become worthy to go into the temple and come closer to my father in heaven.
Jayson then told me that he wanted to do this with me. I wasn't prepared to hear that from him. We decided together that we would begin the journey to make our family an eternal family. Many prayers, tears, struggles and spiritual gifts have been a constant part of our family since then.
This past year we invited the missionaries to come into our home and help us learn more about our savior and the eternal blessings that we can have. They have been in our home weekly, and have become more like family than anything. We have grown to love them, and anticipate each of the visits we have with them. They often stop by just to say hello and grab a treat (because we always have treats at this house). The spirit they bring into our home is amazing.
We are getting closer every day to our eternal goal. It has been hard. I keep reminding myself that in the end, Jayson will be there with me.
I am thankful today...because I can be! (even if Jayson did work all day, and is now paying more attention to the Steelers game than me).

Beautiful Heartbreak

I've said it before, I will forever continue saying it.
I miss my mom.
For the past two weeks I have been sick. Sicker than I have been in a LONG time. I called the Dr. on Friday, and got another round of antibiotics.
I haven't cloroxed walls, dusted, de-cluttered, finished laundry,scrubbed the shower, or "deep cleaned" not one damn thing in two weeks. I feel like my husband and kids are big enough and responsible enough to complete these tasks - but that hasn't been the case.
Joslynn is busy been a teen/senior. Jayson is working 60+ hours a week, and no sooner comes home, showers and goes to bed. Addy, my social butterfly has a friend or a project going at every moment, and Ashton is practicing his Nitro Circus tricks on his motorcycle.
By week two I was getting a little resentment towards my family.
Im still convinced I became sick due to stress from the sale/transition of Riverwalk.
FINALLY, on Wednesday I was offered an official position with the new company - included were a raise and a sign on bonus :) I should be happy - right?
Nope - Im too busy feeling sorry for myself.
Yesterday I went with my bestie to help take formals of my sweet Jordan Mair. I've babysat her since she was a baby. I LOVE the entire Mair family. I couldn't be happier that she is getting married, in the temple. Watching them take pictures in front of the temple, and be so excited that in 10 days they would be there, together, sealed to each other for eternity was so exciting. However (yep, here comes the woe-as-me)after dropping Jordan and Kris off I just started to cry.
I know my turn will come, but it is taken what seems like FOREVER! I want more than anything for Jayson and I to be sealed for eternity. It can't happen soon enough, but unfortunately, the ball is in Jaysons court, and he is just holding the damn ball and wont shoot!
I walked in the door - just in enough time to say good bye to Jos and she went out the door with Mr. Wonderful. Ashton and Addy were downstairs playing, and Jayson was sitting on the couch....watching TV (grrrr) NOTHING had been done in the 5 hours I had been gone. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!
...
last night, while Jayson was at work, I finally put away 2 weeks worth of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, and loaded the dishwasher. I was a little bugged that not one more thing had been done all day.
...
I got upset, and quick - then Jayson threw out some ass hole comment, and I ran into my room crying.
and then....I sat in my room and cried, and then I just wanted to run away. and then I wanted to call my mom so she could make it all better -
but I can't
dammit I hate this!
why can't we just CALL heaven?
why did she have to go?
why can't I just put on my big girl panties and deal with it?
...
and then this morning, this was the first thing I saw.
talk about answers to a prayer.
I know my heavenly father listens to us. I know that he will help us. I know that he wants only the best for us. And yes, I know that sometimes, I can't have everything I want.
This song is beautiful! It is JUST what I needed this Sunday morning.



I know we are each given our trials - to learn from and make us stronger. I can only hope that I can remember to count to ten before I blow up - and remind myself that this is my life. I am in control of what I do, how I react, how I speak and what I say.
My day will come, I know this.