Who made it possible to have four holidays one right after the other? I mean seriously - we don't have anything from July 4th, and then Halloween, Thanksgiving,Christmas and the the NEW year?
and...
the tears wont stop.
1st - NO, I am not pregnant. YES, I wish I was. NO, we can not have anymore.
2nd - It's the holidays, and I miss my mom more than EVER!
Jan 19, almost 4 years ago, my mother passed. I don't cry as often, I don't visit the cemetery as much. I can talk to Addy about memories and smile instead of crying. But, The hurt and pain never goes away. My mother and I were close. We spoke everyday, multiple times. She calmed my sole like NO-ONE could. She reminded me often of how precious life is.
For whatever reason, I can honestly say I think this year has been hardest yet.
....
I am LDS. Born of full Jewish decent. Adopted by a wonderful, religious LDS family. I was baptized. I made mistakes. I graduated seminary with only 2 years. I was pregnant at 19. I am still married to my babys daddy. He is inactive. IT IS HARD! I do go to church. I do believe. I do know whats right and wrong. I hate going to church without Jayson. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't always do it. I want to go through the temple. I am scared. I want to go with Jayson. He quit chewing. He still drinks. I haven't paid my tithing for awhile. I don't take the sacrament. I don't feel worthy. I burst into tears when I kneel to pray. I don't remember the last time I prayed. I don't read my scriptures. Do I bring the spirit into my home? Do I teach my children the right way? My actions speak WAY louder than my words. I don't think I taught my children the real reason for the season this year. I cried myself to sleep Christmas Eve. I feel guilty.
I have a hard time talking religion - why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's that I am aware of my true deep feelings. Maybe I know who is reading my blog, and don't want to offend anyone. I have had Bishops tell me to leave Jayson, wait and go to the temple with him, and go without him. My Dad, who was a Bishop, and who "is my dad" probably gave me the best advice - maybe I should just listen to him :)
With the New year only a few hours away, I giggle at the New Years Resolutions. I mean seriously, If you couldn't loose 20lb last year, how ya gonna do it this year? Why do we have to put dates on things we need to change? Jayson had been trying to quit chewing for YEARS, and finally, when he got his tonsils out in October, he HAD to quit! So maybe, we should do things just because we HAVE to, not because 2011 is going to be the fantastic new beginning.
Things happened in 2010 that I LOVED! Things happened in 2010 that I wished never happened. I can't take back the things that happened, I can only learn from my mistakes. They make me stronger. They teach me who I am. They teach me about others.
The only promise I am making in 2011 is to be more patient, love deeper, forgive quicker, listen harder and live each day as it is the last. Life is to short to hate, and not forgive.
I am grateful every day for my husband, and I don't tell him enough. He works hard, everyday for his family. I admire that he has worked for the same company since the day I met him. He respects his boss, and those above him. He loves his family and respects his parents.
However, I do wish that he could be on Percocet every day - he is an awesome cook, housekeeper, organizer, and even a little emotional! :) I love you babe - but the percocet did make you a "better person." lol!
My children are amazing. I can't imagine life without all three children. I wish I could stay home with them, but that day will come. I wish I had three more - but I love what I have!
So, here's to another year of wonderful memories, old friends, new friends, adventures, tears, joy, laughter, work, living and MY SIMPLE BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
HAPPY 2011, may it only bring us happiness and joy!
1 week ago
9 comments:
Wow... I wanted to cry reading this!! In church on Sunday our lesson was on "tell me the stories of Jesus" ... I thought of my cute family that have no clue what the stories are.. I wanted to cry.. I wanted a repeat.. I have not done my part. I can't go back.. No repeats.. All I can do is move forward. I am going to the temple this year.. Bret is gonna have to do it in his own time.. And maybe he never will.
You are an awesome person Margaret! You are a great mom.. I watch you and thank god that your hands had help in raising my children! Your mom was an amazing person.. She is so proud of you..
I wanted to cry too as I read this. You're not along in feeling full of errors. We all make mistakes and have to learn to forgive ourselves and let Him in to do the repairs. You're not alone in this.
You have the right things in your heart. Listening is hard, but you can learn what's the right way for you. Keep moving forward. I KNOW your mom is right there with you.
Margaret, you are such a dear, kind person. In life, I want you on my side and I'm on yours even though it's from faraway. Hang in there. And remember, you are loved.
:) hugs to you!
I'm so glad I saw that you had updated your blog. I LOVE what you wrote! I love that you love the Gospel. I love your amazing countenance. You glow with wartmth and kindness. And I love that you want to go to the Temple. Going alone isn't that bad. I did it for a LONG time while I was single and I actually liked it.And it's nice to go with friends : )So many blessings are waiting for you and your family there.. President Vaughn J. Featherstone promised if members of the Church would spend half a day in the Temple each month the following blessings would result:
1. A man would become mighty, and a woman powerful.
2. It would serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage.
3. The blessings of the eternal God will be called down upon you, and great spiritual growth will be yours.
4. Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forces tempt them.
5. Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom.
6. Your children will go on missions.
7. Your children will get married in the temple.
8. The veil will be thin, you will have spiritual growth, and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you.
9. You will be prepared for exaltation-with a celestial body, a celestial mind and a celestial personality.
10. You will become receptive to divine guidance and receive spiritual perception to help you grapple with your problems and cares.
11. You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Temple statement for Utah South Area - Given in the Manti Temple April 1987 by Vaughn J. Featherstone
I cried at your post and all three comments! I think your Dad is right (as Dad's always are) You should Listen to HIM:) You know that you have the support of many many people to help you get there. I know that Jayson would be your biggest support if that is what you choose to do. I know you have been feeling like something is missing lately and maybe it's not the baby thing......I know that by your example and by him seeing how happy it makes you he will want to be right there along side of you. Maybe not right away - but he loves you so much he will want to be there too!
Katie said it right on. The blessing are too amazing to pass up! You will have a lot of friends that you could go with and that would LOVE to go with you.
You ARE an amazing person and friend and this would make things so so so much more clear for you!
Love you and Happy New Year!! Hope you have a beautiful one!
I liked that..real and raw. Everything will work out..prolly not in the way or time you would like it, but it will. You stick with your husband and he will stick with you in whatever decisions or goals you have. I think any bishop will tell you, your family comes first. And that you and Jayson will decide together what is the best for your family.
You are doing great..just keep on doing it with a smile and let others around you help you because they love too!!
I think it takes a pretty amazing person to write (for all to see) her flaws, hopes, dissappointments, fears and joys so honestly!
My heart goes out to you at this time of year. On Jan. 4th it will be 12 years since my Dad passed away, sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday, sometimes it feels like he has been gone forever!
The Lord never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it. You have a beautiful heart, so just do your best and God will do the rest!
Hugs!
I'm so glad that you posted Margaret! You truly are an inspiration to us all. You are such a genuine person and I admire you so much! I've been in your shoes before and wish I had some great advice to give you. Your heart is in the right place and things will work out, but don't give up!! Follow the promptings and what feels right for you. You and your family will be blessed because of it. I love you sweet friend!
I don't know if I have ever commented on your blog, and please don't think I am some crazy stalker...BUT... I think you are a wonderful person. You know what is right, and I think that God knows what is in our hearts. Religion is tough. It's tough for me. We just have to keep trying to be better! The temple is a wonderful place that I have taken for granted. If you decide to go (even if by yourself) it will amaze you. You are a good person, many, many people know that!
Margaret, every time I read your blog it makes me reflect on so much, and usually makes me cry. Your posts are so real. I agree with every single comment on here.
Thank you Katie, for your comment. What some amazing promises. It has been WAY too long since I have been to the temple. Why would I want to miss out on all those blessings for me and especially for my family?
this post and these comments have been such an inspiration to me.
Post a Comment