I thought I would be better....

For some time I blogged weekly, then monthly, and now It has been 5 months.  I admit, I've written posts, then deleted.  It seemed that I was just venting, not writing things I would want to look back on and be proud of myself.  Then I told myself, it is who I am, It is what life is right now.

Re-Cap:

March:  Jayson and I celebrated 12 years of marriage.  I can't tell you how many people never thought we would make it to one.  Every marriage has up's and down's and we have had our share of them. Having an ex wife try to disturb the forces is never good, having a step-daughter adds tension and hard decisions, and not always agreeing on religious choices. Last year I thought we would have been going through the temple to mark 12 years - didn't happen.  Jayson is still going to church, every week with us.  He doesn't stay for all three meetings, but he does come.  Right now I would be VERY happy if he could baptize Ashton in November. We are still working on the goal, and I am not ready to go without him.  It's been 12 years...I can wait another year. People ask me this question all the time, and honestly I want to tell them to go to hell.  It's such a tender subject for me.  I get VERY emotional thinking about.  Not sure if it's becauseI know I should go without him now or wait - and NO, I don't want anyones opinion on that!

April: I can't honestly remember anything important about April.  Soccer was in full swing, Ashton was loving it.  I went to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving point with my Aunt Judy and cousins Margo and Jill.

May: BUSY!!! We went on a last minute getaway to St. George for Jaysons sister Debbies graduation.  We are so very proud of her!  She has been a busy mother of 6, going to school and working full time for YEARS, and is FINALLY done!  We enjoyed the sun and hiking through Zion.  The kids were happy to spend time at the pool relaxing and playing with cousins.  I put on a bridal shower for my cute niece Kayla.  Addy participated in the Stake Musical and loved every minute of it.  We made the decision to send Joslynn to Colorado for the summer working at a dude ranch.  She did not like this idea.  I felt it was needed (more on that later).  She graduated from High School - HUGE RELIEF - on a Thursday, helped Debbie set up for the wedding on Friday, wedding Saturday and put Joslynn on a plane Colorado bound Sunday morning at 7am. Not sure I even took a breath of air for an additional week.  She didn't want to talk to me.  She was mad at me, and thought we were punishing her.

June: School was out, and the headache of being a working mother with two kids set in.  Addy and Ashton did pretty well at home together all things considering.Only 5 phone calls per day is normal, right?  Addy started babysitting her cousin Katelyn 2-3x per week. I signed up for a testimonial program with ICON fitness. I started working out 3x per week at 7am, heading straight to work to shower, and sitting at my desk at 830am. whew!  Jalane offered to take my kids to Lagoon with her if I bought them season passes, what a HUGE HELP!  They love Lagoon!  Did the dinner and breakfast for Stake Girls camp again - had SO MUCH FUN! (Addy was invited to camp this year).  I used a committee of 4 women this year instead of trying to do it on my own.  We had a Royal Feast, and the girls and leaders loved it!  My friend Deb's son Kenton was diagnosed with Leukemia, and I became very involved with fundraising efforts to help out.

July: Ashton was able to attend Adventure Club every day at the school - what a relief!  He and Addy were starting NOT to get along.  My brother was sweet enough to take him on days I worked out, after he dropped Katelyn off to Addy.  Turned 32, got a bike from Jayson. Month 2 of working out. Kentons Bake Sale/Yard Sale, HUGE success!!!Joslynn only talking to us maybe weekly. Niel Diamond with Jayson (so much fun).

August: The kids both went to Sports Academy Summer Camp for a week, loved every minute of every day.  Joslynn turned 18, in Colorado, still not happy. We had Kentons carnival, another success. (next up, Kentons Cup and Concert).  Registered Addy for MIDDLE school, cried.

Present:
Tonight, we are purchasing "something."  Something BIG - this will require a different post.
Ashton has back to school night tonight and is super excited to be in Mrs. Pattersons class.  Addy had her also, and we loved her.  Addy has back to school night tomorrow, and wants to practice locker opening a little longer.  Friday night we have the annual CVE camp out up Blacksmith Fork.  Saturday, while the kids are on a ATV ride, I will be attending Wicked!!! :)  YEA!!!   Second time, thanks to WONDERFUL family!  Next Friday, we have Brigham City Temple open house tickets.  All of Jaysons family is coming, and then we are spending the remaining weekend at my bosses cabin in Bear Lake.  Joslynn will be home Thursday of next week. she's done. were not talking.

Joslynn and her mother have become very close over the summer.  I could say a lot of very mean things, but am TRYING very hard to be the better person and keep those thoughts to myself.  Last week Joslynn told her Dad she was coming home and going to live with her mother. I can't tell you what the plan is right now - remember, she and I are not talking.  Basically, she thinks she is all grown up and wants to make her own choices.  She also told me she wants nothing to do with the church.  She is 18, she has to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences. She is coming "home" to us on Thursday night.  We will be with family the entire weekend.  Nick is joining us.  They plan on getting married. I have NO IDEA what will happen after the weekend. I am scared, hurt, and very sad.  Joslynn has been part of my life since she was 4.  I know she is not "leaving" my life, but things are very distant right now.  I am angry - and I deserve to be angry!  Her mother has been in and out of her life when it worked for her.  She wants to be best friends now.  She IS her mother, I should be happy they are getting along. What hurts more than anything - all the wonderful things Christy has said about me over the years - while I raised HER daughter, with NO financial support! ( oh, wait - she did pay for her portion of the braces).  Christy is nice to my face, and a beast behind my back.  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I was raised to be above this, I will not let this kick me to the ground.  I have dealt with this for 14 years...and I can deal till the end of time.

On a much BETTER note.....new job, workout, better eating ....and THIRTY POUNDS LIGHTER! I feel better, confident, healthy, in control.  It's something I have never been before.  I did HCG a few years ago, dropped 20 lbs, gained it +10 back.  Didn't LEARN to eat right, portion control, diet and exercise.  We had weigh in last week, and I have lost 7.5 total " since June 1.  LOVING IT!

The past 6 months have felt like the hardest 6 months EVER. Changes in job, family, friendships, kids, financial, weight and religion.  I feel like these things should make everything "better."
Some days I don't think I can't go another. Some days I feel straight up crazy and wonder how we ALL make it? I have some amazing people in my life - they lift me up, encourage me, and keep me strong! I keep reminding myself just how lucky I am. 
Jayson has stood by me through all of this.  He encourages me and loves me unconditionally.  I am closer with him than before. He has become my best friend. We weren't always that.  We were married for a long time, just married. I don't know how to explain that.  I had to distance myself from people.  I had to quit talking about what was wrong with us.  I had to learn that we were in this together, and I needed to use his strength to make me stronger.  We are opposites - but he completes me.  His is my other half, the half that makes me whole.
It's been 5.5 years since I lost my mom - and miss her everyday.  Blessed to have my Dad so close, and be able to visit with him daily. Andrew and Marni living just a mile down the road, and our visitation with Chloe (it's a family joke).  I wish my sis Jennifer lived closer - maybe one day.
I feel blessed every day to be who I am, where I am.  I try to find the good in my day and focus on that.  Things are still crazy.  Im scared for the future of ALL THREE of my children, Im scared for my own future.  I believe with all my heart that having faith and doing what I have been asked to do will guide me in the right direction.  I have faith that my choices will not always have sudden results, but with patience and understanding all things will work out.  Each day is a learning lesson - I just have to find the lessson.