for sale

My emotions that is.
I watch fellow bloggers, and find it interesting what others are blogging about. For some It's only pictures, with just a few words. Others, fine writing. For some, it's a business tool. For me - well, I think It's where I put my deepest emotions. I don't think to just blog about the happiness. I turn to it as a journal entry. And honestly - over the last few months I haven't been writing because I wasn't sure I wanted to show my raw emotion to the world knowing that others read this. I have seven drafts saved - and haven't put a one of them out here. So here's the skinny - I think when I write I daydream that I'm writing to my mother. All the things I can't tell her because she isn't here. All my sadness she used to fix for me. All my tears she would wipe away.
Friday is her birthday. I miss her more every year. I was too young to loose a mother. My children were far to young to loose a "maree," and my father was robbed of the love of his life.
I often say that baking is my stress relief. I believe that. When I was younger, I remember my mother in the kitchen. Making wonderful things. Preparing for some special dinner, and making sure the table looked just right. As I grew, and after her stroke, he cooking went a little south - but it's the thought that counts, right?
so tonight - Im letting some of the hidden emotions out.
please forgive me
stop reading now
or read on...
but you have to promise to comment, it gives me warm fuzzies.

THE KIDS:
Joslynn; it seems like it has taken forever to get where we are. You always told me one day she would appriciate all that I did. I think maybe, just maybe I see that now. She turned seventeen in August. still no licence, and not much drive to get it. She has had her permit since last August. BUT...finally, Monday, she got it. The look on her face was priceless! and then today, her orthodontist told her she might just get her braces off in two months, after two long years. Her comment: "look ma, Im growing up." It melted my heart. She is going to Homecoming this Saturday. The dress...beautiful! Makes her look all grown up too. And then, the reality that she really is a senior, and might just leave this house - well, It breaks my heart. I've loved that little girl like my very own since the day I met her. All I've ever wanted her to feel is loved.

Addy; geesh, when you said she was just like me, you weren't kidding. Sometimes it breaks my heart. I know what I struggled with - and see her going in the SAME direction. She turned eleven on Sunday....and...(TMI) started her period tonight! I can't even stand it! I got super upset with her Saturday night about not sharing, and then had to run to Maceys to grab the groceries for her Sunday birthday dinner. When I got home, she had left a note on my bed. The note that makes you feel like the worst parent in the world. The "Im sorry I make you so mad, I know you wished I was never born" note. And then It dawned on me. We are a family because of her. If I had not have gotten pregnant, who knows where Jayson and I would be today. I quickly went into her room, gave her a big kiss and told her how much I loved her. She misses her Maree just as much as me. Her Maree was her very best friend. When she's having a bad day, she tells me a tea party with Maree would make it all better.

Ashton; This little man is the light of my life! His beautiful eyes looking at me, telling me he loves me. He was my angel straight from heaven. It took me forever to get him here, and I knew he would be my last. Every little thing he does I embrace. I probably need to get triple insurance coverage to cover what he'll do in the future - but I love that he has such an ambition to get out and enjoy life.

my chewbacha;I've put this man through hell and back - and he still comes home to me every night. He loves me. He loves my entire crazy family, and he would do anything for me. We have grown so very much over the last twelve years, I can't imagine what the rest of time will be like. I KNOW one day, we will promise eternity together. I know he is trying. I know the devil sits on his shoulder. He has a past that had him dead by 25, and now - well, life is just beginning. Alcohol is a nasty poison, one of the hardest Im sure. But I know he can do it! I know we can do it together - for our family. For us. For himself.

church; I have NEVER felt this close before, yet so far away. When I don't go, Im empty. Something is missing. Something doesn't feel right. The minute I walk through those chapel doors, I am calm, at peace. I know I'll make it - one step at a time!

family; where to start...MaryLou was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer in March 2011. On June 17, she underwent a surgery (the whipple procedure) that would hopefully remove this cancer. (talk about modern technology). After 18.5 LONG hours in surgery, the procedure was done, and well she is cancer free. However - She's not out of the woods yet. The recovery has been anything but easy. After having every side affect possible, rehab, and more - she came home on Sunday. I still don't think she's even 40% - but she's not giving up! We all knew what this would/could do to her. We all know that she may still not make a full recovery. But, we love her, and are NOT ready to give up the fight!
my family; Elizabeths baby was born July 17, five weeks early. Only weighing in at 5lb 11oz. Today, 2 months later - she's weighing in at 8lb 11oz. We love her so much! Luckily for Aunt Maggie, I live next door, and get this little angel quite a bit. I am so lucky to be apart of her life.
My Dad - bless his heart, has Elizabeth, baby, boyfriend and Kevin living at home with him. I KNOW there is a special place in heaven for him. I enjoy taking him dinner at night, and Sunday afternoons. I get pretty emotional when I talk about how amazing I think my father is. Its as if I don't even have words to describe what I feel. He has had things happen to him that no man/boy/son/brother or father should have to go through. But his trust in the lord, that with this, all things shall pass, is simply amazing. I love him. I am so lucky to have been given him.

the job;AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Riverwalk is selling within the next 30-45 days, and at this point, the new owners will be using a new management company. I have been offered a position with them, and will be able to stay in my current position. BUT - Im not excited. It's like interviewing for a job that you never turned in an application for. I feel forced to make the change- a change I am not prepared to make. What If I don't want to do it anymore? What if Im done? I would LOVE and I mean LOVE to be doing something that I have passion and dreams about. Not so sure that passion and dreams pay the bills though. Reality is reality, and sometimes dreams just have to wait.

I feel blessed every day I come home through the doors of MY home, greeted by MY kids, and see my smokin hot construction worker. Im lucky. I know that. But I still have bad days.

I miss you mom. I didn't know it was possible to miss you more every day. I miss our chats. I miss your smile. I miss your funny clothes. I miss our trips to town. I miss your advice, and your kind words. Happy birth day.
i. miss.you.
every single day!

shit, damn and hell

These are my three favorite {naughty} words. I say them a lot. My Dad once told me the were "legal." I'm gonna stick to what he said.
Today was a shit, damn, hell.....and.....a few more words kinda day.

thank you!

It's amazing how something as simple as a facebook "Happy Birthday" can make you feel so dang important. I have the bestest friends in the whole wide world.
THANK YOU to all of you. It's just goes to show that you never know how something so simple can make someones day.
I don't expect much on my birthdays, Im too old for that. But just the words "happy birthday" mean someone was thinking of me.

Since my mom passed, my father has taken up baking (just a few things)and one of them is Magic Cookie Bars. My entire family and extended family loves the little pieces of magic(I love the crusty little edges most). Two years ago, my sweet Dad went into Kitchen Kneads and bought one of those brownie edge pans. Each year for my birthday he comes over when Im not home, and sneaks it out and makes me my own individual pan of magic cookie bar EDGES. Seriously - Best Dad EVER! see - SIMPLE things make me so happy!

After my moms funeral, my Dad made comments about how he noticed that certain people he thought would come didn't. At the time, I think It hurt his feelings. Im pretty sure that since then, he has gone to almost every viewing of people he knows. Sometimes, It creates awkward moments, telling someone you barely know how sorry you are - but on the end - all they will remember is that you showed them support.

It taught me a valuable lesson to never under estimate the power of your being. I can't tell you how many times someone elses smile, facebook/blog comment, or text has made my day. THANK YOU to all of you who have made my day feel so very important.

yackity smakity

I tend to blog, late at night, when I can't sleep, because I have WAY to much on my mind.
Here is to yet another bloggidy blog;

1. One week from now, I will not be able to sleep. Why? Because I will be anticipating waking up my little angels to get on a 9:05 flight outta here, to the beautiful coast of Oregon for and entire SEVEN days.

2. I feel that I deserve this vacation more that anything right now.

3. I just completed unit inspections at my property. What are these you ask? Twice a year, I have the joy of inspecting every single one of the eighty eight apartment homes on the property I manage. Some units are pleasant, clean, and smell of fresh Clorox. Others, well, they leave dog shit in the bathroom so that you can step in it! Yes, dog shit. and fresh at that. And yes - I made her take my shoe, and wash it off! AND yes, I gave her a warning notice. I can be a real mean landlord at times.

4. My property is for sale. It has been for sale for all six years that I have been managing it. However, this is the first time that it has been listed with an active broker. I have three appointments in the next three days to "tour" the property. The potential sale could mean a few things for me. A. New owner will purchase the property, but continue using EMG (current employer) as the management service. B. The new owner will NOT use EMG, but will hire me to continue managing the property for them. and C. I will no longer be needed at Riverwalk.
This entire concept is very hard for me right now. It makes me very emotional. I have no control of the situation, and just have to put on my happy pants and smile. I do not like knowing what is going to happen. I like "plans."
Honestly - I can't imagine working for another management company besides EMG. I know people change jobs all the time, but I am happy where I am. I enjoy the people I work with. I love my residents, and the property I manage. Some of the residents have become like a second family to me. I spend 40+ hours per week getting to know them, personal information. I have watched some of those children grow up, and graduate. I have held a mother, as she watched her baby pass away. I have listened to them, consulted them, helped them deal with there child's sexuality choices. I have cried, laughed, and learned with my residents. How could I leave that? As much as I whine about them, I truly love them. I can honestly say that I know each and every resident by name. (Well, maybe not the Burmees ones, but that's because the names are so dang hard!)
The sale and outcome of my property are mostly out of my control. My choices will placed before me, and I will have to choose. Of course - the best option is A. I pray that EMG continues to be the management company on the property - if not - be warned of the complete anxiety attack! (yes, I do have meds on hand)

5. My babies are growing up. I even cried thinking about Joslynn being a senior this next year. She has become the most beautiful, strong young woman. I am proud of the choices that she is making to helping her achieve eternal happiness. Addy made me promise to take her to the Barn Dance last Saturday night. She put on a skirt, and away we went. Her "crush" asked her to dance and she declined because she was nervous. Luckily she got brave and asked him before the night was over. Ashton begs and cries for either a dirt bike or a four wheeler every night. My little dare devil is gonna be the life of me.

6. We have been attending church as a family and the missionaries have been coming to our home. This is a HUGE step not only for Jayson, but our entire family. Jayson and I have talked our entire marriage about making "better choices" for our family. Were still making changes. I am so thankful for the blessings of patience that our Heavenly Father has given us, and that he has with us. Jayson and I both still have a long way to go - but the light is closer than it has EVER been. Jayson talks about the day he will drink his last beer.....it's just a talk right now, but one day it will be a reality. I can only expect him to move at his own pace. Elder Hall and Elder Williams have been such a blessing. We love having our visits with them. I can't even begin to explain the spirit and peace they bring into our home. Watching the children, and Jayson participate brings such joy to me. I am learning so much about myself, things I never knew. I tend to make this about Jayson - but really, I need it to.

7. I have the most amazing friends, ever! We have this little group that we spend most Saturday nights with. Jayson calls them his "Saturday warriors." This last Sunday, two of the families came over after church, had lunch/dinner with us, and spent the entire afternoon/evening her at our house. We cleaned up, made treats, watched the game, played outside with the kids, watched the kids "put on a play, " and went for a very short walk :) My warriors are my strength! I can NOT imagine where I would be right now without them. My weeks are not complete when we don't see them. I feel as if I need each and every one of them for an individual purpose.

8. My dad is the greatest! Just giving him a little shout-out. Growing up, he was ALWAYS working to provide for our family. He taught me that hard work didn't come easy, but the outcome is rewarding. I loved working with him on the farm, and getting life's lessons from him. I'm pretty sure the "birds and the bees" was demonstrated doing AI on a cow. I can guarantee you this - thinking that having a child meant some dude was gonna put on a glove, and shove his entire arm up me was not a pleasant thought. I stayed clear of boys (for awhile). But seriously, to this day - If I need advice, a shoulder, or a fathers blessing, my Dad is there for me. I am so grateful to live so close to him. I am so lucky that my children can ride there bikes to the barn yard, or hop in the swather with him when he's working the fields. He is an inspiring man. Keeping positive and looking forward, and always having words of wisdom.

As I have been writing my thoughts of the day,I can't help but to feel grateful. I am so lucky to have a good job, good friends, and close family. I am so lucky to be in love with my best friend. I am blessed to have three beautiful children. I am even grateful for the one dog, one lizard and three goats (PS. Roofus is leaving - he's mean to the ginny goats). I am thankful for everyday that I have to spend with the people that I love. Life is too short not to.

Laugh harder, love stronger, forgive quicker, and hold tighter.

CTR

It's been over a month since I last posted something here. I was feeling very down, and didn't want to portray my negative attitude here. I was trying to get to a better place, mentally. I sometimes feel if I just let it all out, then I feel better. Each time I would sit down to write, I felt that my attitude was too negative, and I should keep it to myself.

Today, I felt spiritually uplifted. Today, I was positive. Today, I was blessed.

Today, I slept in. I wanted to go to church, but I didn't want to get up. I came out into the kitchen to find Jos ready for church.
We've been talking A LOT about choosing the right - and here I am - NOT choosing the right. She looked so dang cute, and simply suggests that we go to our old ward, since they start at 11. What a little angel!
I am so grateful that we went. It felt good to be welcomed. It felt good to be missed. And the lessons today were just what I needed. Patience with our children, and missionary work.
I have been blessed having Joslynn in my life. She has taught me so much. I won't deny that being a step mom carries its challenges, but all in all - I'm pretty lucky!
Whenever I get a little mother daughter time with her, It reminds me how much I enjoyed talking with my mom. I wont deny, I probably talk more than I listen - but I am working on it.

Jos- I love you. I am so very lucky to have you. I can't imagine for one minute what my life would be like without you. Thank you for being and example, to me and our family. Your dad and I are so proud of the choices you are making, and the person that you are. You are the bomb.com :)