ta-da

I felt I was doing really good and at least posting monthly...but somewhere in time, I forgot about my little blog. heavens forbid.

I ran into a friend today who asked how the apartment industry was doing, and realized not everyone knows I left Riverwalk. It's amazing that I think If I put it on facebook, the entire world knows everything.

So, just to be clear...my last day at Riverwalk Apartments was January 17, 2012. I am currently working as an Administrative Assistant/Medical Office Manager at Access Home Care and Hospice/Home Medical. It is an AMAZING job, and I am so lucky to be working with such great people. I am not used to having people in my office. My boss is a health nut - and everyone else in the office is always on a diet - so - I've been drinking more water, eating healthier (eating before 6pm), and have lost 10 lbs since I started! I'm still 20lbs above where I need to be, but slowly and steady I will loose this damn weight.

I feel the only time I get on here is when the kids and hubby are a sleep, and I can't. Most of the time that also results in a lot of tears. I think too much :/ And then I wonder if the only thing I ever write about is what a ball-baby I am.

The obvious: I'm a little emotionally unstable

The fact: I'm baking again (quit for a bit, life got rough)

The truth: I suck as a parent

The wish: I could take some things (words) back

I have missed my mom an incredible amount lately, and I am positive it has something to do with struggling with a teenage daughter. I go through ups and downs missing her, wishing I could just talk to her. The other night I cried, for a very long time, for no other reason than wanting to talk to my mother. I was sitting on the steps in the garage, with the door open, listening to the wind. As I cried with my head down I wondered how I was ever going to manage the rest of my mortal life without her. The phrase "I would give anything for just one more day," comes to mind more often than not.

Since I haven't been writing here, I am going to update a few random/funny/serious/mater-o-fact facts...
1. My big brother had a beautiful baby girl, Katelyn on February 24th. We got to babysit her tonight for the first time. Andrew and Marni are living just down the road from us. Two weeks before Katelyn was born they were asked to leave there home at Hardware Ranch because of water contamination. They are unsure when they will be able to go back, but I am enjoying them living so close to us for now.
2. My little sis finally got a job at Sherwood Hills. Lucky for us, we get Chloe while she is at work, and love every minute of it! Chloe is now 8 months old, and starting to crawl. Ashton asks me if she can be his sister and not his cousin because he loves her so much. My friend Jalane helps out babysitting when Buff has to go into work before I'm off. Her little girl Taya LOVES Chloe. I feel so very blessed to have such great friends that can help out.
3. Joslynn also got a job. She is cleaning a law office in Logan 15 hrs a week. She is excited to be working, and now has great ambition to find another job with more hours during the day. Graduation is at the end of May, and as of now, she doesn't have plans for after HS
4. Addy got two fish for Christmas, and we had to flush poor Bugsy tonight. He/She has been acting strange for a little bit, and finally passed away :( Addy seemed to deal with the flushing quite well.
5. Ashtons bearded dragon is still very much alive, and I still very much do not like him.
6. I was asked to cook for Stake YW camp again this year. I feel a little more prepared, and am excited to do it.
7. We have tickets to attend the Saturday morning LDS General Conference session, and I am actually looking forward to it. Jayson is too, which makes it even better
8. Jaysons mom is doing exceptionally well. We are thankful for every day that we have with her!
9. Jaysons sister Tonja however is not doing so well. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She is 22 weeks pregnant, and leaking amniotic fluid. All they can do right now is keep her on bed rest, and try to keep the baby in her for as long as possible. Debbie flew out today to stay two weeks and help out with the boys while her doctors try to figure out what to do next. For now, they are keeping her in the hospital. They don't even want her getting up to use the bathroom. All we can do is pray, that our father in heaven knows what is best for Tonja and the baby and have faith that things will turn out the way they need to.

I feel that I have more...but my eyes are heavy tonight. Maybe I should just be better at updating when things happen

The Legacy of an Adopted Child

My birth mother gave me this poem a few years ago. She is an amazing woman - who gave me life, and let another help me live life. I am blessed everyday to have been raised the way I was.

One there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.

Two different lives shaped,
to make you one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you up,
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years;
Heredity or Environment,
which are you a product of?
Neither my darling,neither;
Just two different kinds of love.

just tears

I wrote a post last Sunday - my post of the month. I wasn't feeling it. I was holding back something. I wanted to write something profound, it didn't work out that way. I wanted to express the emotions I have been having, but couldn't. I'm not sure why. Im not sure tonight can be any better, but Im going to try.

For whatever reason, I feel more blessed than ever before. I cry...DAILY...at ANYTHING. Commercials, stories, songs, kind words, thoughts... You name it, I'm crying.

Tonight I read a old friend/neighbors post about the star on her barn at home, how it signified a homecoming, and the beautiful song that she wrote with her brother before his passing in December 2003 in a skiing accident. I bawled like a baby. I can't get it together. You can listen to her song here:
hilltopstar.blogspot.com

Life is so precious, and I feel as I have taken it for granted. It seems that every day I hear a story, a sad story, of someone struggling through life;physically, emotionally or mentally.

Some of you may have heard about sweet Allisa Berry. See her blog here: http://hopeforallisa.com/updates/ . I found her blog just last Monday. ALL day I couldn't help but to think about this sweet girl and her story. I had no clue who she or her family were but felt I needed to do something. I took flowers to her Monday night, by myself. I met her, we talked. I felt her amazing spirit. Being in the Berry's home, only for a few minutes was something I needed. I find myself each day thinking about Allisa - how she is so aware that she will be leaving this earthly life, yet she is prepared to meet her maker. Her parents asking not for a miracle, but simply our prayers.

How I would love to know that I was prepared to meet my maker. To know that I had done everything that was asked of me.

We almost lost Jaysons mom this year to Pancreatic Cancer, and just this last week she went back to work. She is determined to make every day count - to live EACH day to the fullest, and enjoy everything she is given. She is a strong woman, and won't go down without a fight. She is such an inspiration to me. I am amazed every day by her, and her choice to live!

I hope that my family and friends know how truly grateful I am for there friendship. How I value living in this beautiful land, surrounded by good neighbors. I am grateful to have been raised by such wonderful parents. I feel so very lucky to have my four siblings (who listen to me, all the time) and to have married into such a great family.

Now I ask something of you - please, pray harder for those in need today. Remember those who are struggling, and who need a helping hand. Take a moment to tell someone how they have impacted your life, and made you a better person.

Merry Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year -

and the busiest...

I thought as the kids got older, things would slow down. No chance of that here! I finally wrapped a few gifts tonight. My closet was getting a little crowded. and then - I found more hidden gifts - oops!
I told Jayson NOT to let me buy anything else. Holy Schmoly. My kids have enough shit, and I just keep buying more.
however - why are men so hard to buy for. and why, I ask, do they have to be so damn expensive! I can get all three kids DONE for the price of one of the things Jayson wants. but...then he says "I don't want anything babe, just you." Okay - you can wipe up the throw up now. He's getting so cheesy in his old age. ( I wont lie, I kinda like it).

I do, however, feel very blessed tonight.
Joslynn ran off the road on her way to her grandmas tonight. Only about a mile down the road, through a fence on my Dads property. She said she remembers looking down and then loosing control of her car. She missed the telephone pole, hit a fence post that somehow came out of the ground, and went just over the winsdhield, through TWO fences, and only cosmetic damage to her car. She was pretty shook up. When I looked at all the posts she missed, I knew she must have had an angel with her. No way should she have not had more damage to her or the car. The scratches are deep, the passenger mirror is missing, both headlights are broken and she popped a tire - but she walked away, and Jayson drove the car home.
I feel so blessed that she is okay. Not sure how soon she will want to drive again - but Im okay with that!

It's amazing how quickly we forget the small things. How lucky we are. How blessed we are.

I don't like my job right now. AT ALL! but...I keep telling myself, in this day, Im lucky to have a job. Im grateful to not be struggling financially through life. I have a beautiful home, with a wonderful family. I have my faith, and my savior.

I love Christmas. I love everything about it! But mostly, remembering why we celebrate. It is, the most wonderful time of the year!


Happy Holidays.

squeeze your loved ones once more today.

thankful

As I walked into church I noticed a thankful tree. It encouraged us to take a leaf, write a thought of gratitude, and place it on the tree. During relief society, the lesson was on gratitude. We went around the entire room each stating a thing we were thankful for. I don't think a dry eye was in the room. I began to think of all the things that I have in life that make each day wonderful.

My thankfulness today is for the gift of the atonement. This year, has been like no other for me. It started in January when I made the choice to go visit with my bishop and talk with him about things I had been holding onto for years. Things that go back to my youth. Things that I felt I needed to come clean of. I visited with him for hours. And then visited with Jayson about my choices to repent of my past, do what was asked of me, and become worthy to go into the temple and come closer to my father in heaven.
Jayson then told me that he wanted to do this with me. I wasn't prepared to hear that from him. We decided together that we would begin the journey to make our family an eternal family. Many prayers, tears, struggles and spiritual gifts have been a constant part of our family since then.
This past year we invited the missionaries to come into our home and help us learn more about our savior and the eternal blessings that we can have. They have been in our home weekly, and have become more like family than anything. We have grown to love them, and anticipate each of the visits we have with them. They often stop by just to say hello and grab a treat (because we always have treats at this house). The spirit they bring into our home is amazing.
We are getting closer every day to our eternal goal. It has been hard. I keep reminding myself that in the end, Jayson will be there with me.
I am thankful today...because I can be! (even if Jayson did work all day, and is now paying more attention to the Steelers game than me).