The Plan

It's funny the things we choose to remember in life. The events, the exact thought or moments. January 19 will ALWAYS be a day of remembrance. January 19, 2007 I lost my mother, my best friend. She wasn't always my best friend...we had our days. If I could take back just one of those bad days today I would. I was a mean, stubborn, rude teenager who knew everything. No one could tell me what to do or how the choices I was making would affect me forever.


My mother was a saint. I am positive that she was one of the chosen few sent down to this earth on a mission. A mission of love, acceptance and happiness. She completed it and returned to our Heavenly home.

I tell myself daily that it is all a part of the plan. This was the plan. She completed her task here on earth, and returned home at her chosen time. It was not my choice when her mission was complete. I wish I could have picked that time, knew it was coming, and had some warning.

As most things in life, we have no warnings. Things happen and we have to be prepared. When we will lose something or someone is unknown. We need to be prepared - but how do you prepare for death?

The day my mother passed away is a day that runs through my head constantly. I can tell you specific things about the early hospital visit for her heart stress test, helping her into the car, calling my dad to say hi, the stop light we sat at, the conversation as we walked into The Old Grist Mill for lunch, the Diet Coke I bought at "the old" Maceys, the color of her shirt, shutting the door, Elizabeth yelling something was wrong, the sound of her last breath, administering CPR with my very dear friend Devin, the 3 EMT's, the sound of my father’s voice on the other end of the phone line, my little sister collapsing in my arms, calling my brother and sister, Jennifer and I embracing in the ER parking lot, Andrew holding up my father, touching her, leaving her, driving home alone, phone calls, feeling the love of others, feeling alone, telling my children, crying, understanding, explaining, sleepless nights on the couch at my dads, never wanting to go home, dressing my mother in her temple clothes, family, friends, crying, screaming into the heavens, wondering why today, why now?

Many of us have lost someone that we love very much - family, friend, a pet, a neighbor. Each person/thing can play an important role to us. How we take the events and learn from them is up to us. I take my mother’s death as an experience to learn from. I could have crumbled and died the day my mother left this earth, but I didn't. I have a family, children, a husband, and my dad. I chose to remember her - each moment that she gave me. Advice about marriage, kids, love, acceptance, the gospel, the plan.

Since my mother’s death I have become closer to those who have always been in my life. People that I took for granted, people I never spoke to, people I never appreciated and loved. I forgave those I thought had done me wrong, only to realize that It was my own stubbornness. I have a closer bond to my father than ever before.

I believe in the plan, I know the plan.

But, I still miss her!

I love you mom, until we meet again....