Who made it possible to have four holidays one right after the other? I mean seriously - we don't have anything from July 4th, and then Halloween, Thanksgiving,Christmas and the the NEW year?
and...
the tears wont stop.
1st - NO, I am not pregnant. YES, I wish I was. NO, we can not have anymore.
2nd - It's the holidays, and I miss my mom more than EVER!
Jan 19, almost 4 years ago, my mother passed. I don't cry as often, I don't visit the cemetery as much. I can talk to Addy about memories and smile instead of crying. But, The hurt and pain never goes away. My mother and I were close. We spoke everyday, multiple times. She calmed my sole like NO-ONE could. She reminded me often of how precious life is.
For whatever reason, I can honestly say I think this year has been hardest yet.
....
I am LDS. Born of full Jewish decent. Adopted by a wonderful, religious LDS family. I was baptized. I made mistakes. I graduated seminary with only 2 years. I was pregnant at 19. I am still married to my babys daddy. He is inactive. IT IS HARD! I do go to church. I do believe. I do know whats right and wrong. I hate going to church without Jayson. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't always do it. I want to go through the temple. I am scared. I want to go with Jayson. He quit chewing. He still drinks. I haven't paid my tithing for awhile. I don't take the sacrament. I don't feel worthy. I burst into tears when I kneel to pray. I don't remember the last time I prayed. I don't read my scriptures. Do I bring the spirit into my home? Do I teach my children the right way? My actions speak WAY louder than my words. I don't think I taught my children the real reason for the season this year. I cried myself to sleep Christmas Eve. I feel guilty.
I have a hard time talking religion - why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's that I am aware of my true deep feelings. Maybe I know who is reading my blog, and don't want to offend anyone. I have had Bishops tell me to leave Jayson, wait and go to the temple with him, and go without him. My Dad, who was a Bishop, and who "is my dad" probably gave me the best advice - maybe I should just listen to him :)
With the New year only a few hours away, I giggle at the New Years Resolutions. I mean seriously, If you couldn't loose 20lb last year, how ya gonna do it this year? Why do we have to put dates on things we need to change? Jayson had been trying to quit chewing for YEARS, and finally, when he got his tonsils out in October, he HAD to quit! So maybe, we should do things just because we HAVE to, not because 2011 is going to be the fantastic new beginning.
Things happened in 2010 that I LOVED! Things happened in 2010 that I wished never happened. I can't take back the things that happened, I can only learn from my mistakes. They make me stronger. They teach me who I am. They teach me about others.
The only promise I am making in 2011 is to be more patient, love deeper, forgive quicker, listen harder and live each day as it is the last. Life is to short to hate, and not forgive.
I am grateful every day for my husband, and I don't tell him enough. He works hard, everyday for his family. I admire that he has worked for the same company since the day I met him. He respects his boss, and those above him. He loves his family and respects his parents.
However, I do wish that he could be on Percocet every day - he is an awesome cook, housekeeper, organizer, and even a little emotional! :) I love you babe - but the percocet did make you a "better person." lol!
My children are amazing. I can't imagine life without all three children. I wish I could stay home with them, but that day will come. I wish I had three more - but I love what I have!
So, here's to another year of wonderful memories, old friends, new friends, adventures, tears, joy, laughter, work, living and MY SIMPLE BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
HAPPY 2011, may it only bring us happiness and joy!
