can anyone hear me?

FIRST OFF - The camera has been found! YEA!

This blog is one of those, that I really need to babble. So for those who do not wish to hear my sad sorry, please exit now. If you are interested in a self wallowing story...please read on.

I have a beautiful daughter, Joslynn. Joslynn came into my life with her father. Jos turned 5 in August and Jayson and I started dating in October. I loved her from the very beginning like she was my own. She came from a broken family of a broken family. Her mom comes from a rough background (don't really need to tell that story. any of you who know me already know that one), and It has greatly affected Joslynn.
When Joslynn was 10, we got custody of her. It was the best thing to happen. We were so excited. New house, new baby(Ashton) and Jos got to stay with us! Her mom had decided to move to Mesquite and "let her stay" with us (that's the G rated version). Christy left behind two beautiful girls (another from her other failed marriage) and two x-husbands. She left the state to find what she had been missing.
Jos and I are only 15 years apart. My oldest sis and youngest sis are 16 yrs apart - so I have always concluded that we are like sisters. I try really hard to be a good parent, but sometimes I feel as If I am failing. I don't want to cross a line of the evil step-mother, but I swear anything I do makes me that. Ya know - When you only have one set of parents to blame - you can't really do anything about it. But when your step mom makes you mad you can throw the whole, I could go live somewhere else thing out there. I remember telling my mom that I was gonna go live with my birth mother - A woman I had NEVER met, but when I was mad It sounded good.
Jos is a TOTAL teen - and I remember those years WAY to vividly. My mom and I did NOT get along, in fact my dad would often ask if he needed to put the Ref shirt on. HAD I KNOW NOW, WHAT I KNEW THEN...I would have embraced every day I had with my mom.
It's one of those things you hope you can teach your children but unfortunately they have to learn at their own pace. My time was cut short, and I often cry myself to sleep wishing I could just take back even one of those days.
So, I sit here, tonight, while everyone is asleep crying it out on to this damn computer hoping that It will make me feel better, and that I will know that Joslynn is just being a normal teenage girl, and "this too shall pass." My mom would always make me feel better about this, but she's not here to do that anymore!
IT'S SO FREAKIN STUPID that we have to fight because I am to proud to let her win the fight. The fight you ask...oh yes, that would be the one about keeping my house clean. You see, Jos and Addy spent the night with Aunt Buffy last night. I got up this morning at 5 - did my workout, started some laundry, swept,cloroxed the bathroom, spot mopped, did the dishes, had my shower,realized Ashton wet the bed, stripped his sheets, showered him, started another load of laundry and was out the door at 8:30. Stopped to check on the building progress, dropped Ashton off, got to work. Yelled at my maintenance guy, worked on files, solved the worlds problems (tenants that think I am also a marriage and family therapist), moved in two new families, had a visit with Mr. Police Officer about my tenants, grabbed some groceries, and headed home to cook dinner...to find what...MY HOUSE A MESS! They had gone swimming last night, and ALL the swimming stuff was in a sack sitting on the floor right in front of the door. Wet towels, wet suits mixed with jammies and yesterdays clothes. It's so stupid, I know...but It's Friday, and my house was clean when I left! Apparently all the little friend and neighbors spent the day at my house. Don't get me wrong I LOVE EVERYONE at my house (it's why the kitchen/family room is the biggest one in my new house) - but could they please just clean up the mess? Why is this Joslynns problem...IT'S NOT, but I yelled at her because she is the oldest, and should know that this kind of shit really lites the fire under my *%@!
Okay, so now I'm sobbing out of control, because I am the OCD FREAK that would rather have my house clean, than a happy teenage daughter. W. T. H. is my problem?
Maybe I just need a really good cry, maybe I need to get back on my anxiety meds, maybe my girls weekend can't come fast enough, or maybe... just maybe I should go to sleep and it will all be better in the morning? NO... I still have 2 more loads of laundry, and dinner dishes. But it will get better, I know it will! I just wish my mom was here to tell me that!
For all of those who have a mother...LOVE THEM EVERY DAY! I should follow my own advice with Joslynn and just LOVE her. I get so frustrated with her mom, and I take it out on her. It's not her fault, and I just want to SCREAM at Christy! (I'm keepin this G rated and it's KILLIN me).
For now, I should stop, let it go, and take it out on the really dirty spaghetti sauce pan. Maybe I do feel better, writing therapy. It's late, and the later it gets, the heavier the tears. The house is quiet, everyone is asleep, and I have consumed an entire roll of toilet paper with my snot and tears.